


(I'm just curious,) is it serious?

by BadWolf_TimeAndSpace



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex and Sam were secretly dating before Reign, Angst, Bisexual Sam, F/F, Hayley Kiyoko made me do it, Idiots in Love, Inspired by the video to Curious, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Now they are not anymore, Sam has a boyfriend, Sam is just Sam again, after the reign, but not for long, it's complicated - Freeform, maybe more later), only f/f though, smut (a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-04-19 19:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14244471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf_TimeAndSpace/pseuds/BadWolf_TimeAndSpace
Summary: As Alex pushes the bathroom door open, Sam whirls around, a look of surprise on her face that turns into shock when Alex approaches her fast and doesn't stop until Sam's back is pressed against the sink and their hips collide.Her lips ghosting over Sam's perfect little ear, Alex whispers "Do you let him touch you the way I used to?"---





	1. I need a drink, whiskey is my thing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jude81](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jude81/gifts), [InLust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InLust/gifts).



> So, I discovered Hayley Kiyoko (I know I'm late to the party, but better late than never, right?!) and then that happened. 
> 
> I also blame my friends, Jude81 and InLust, for encouraging me to write this. ;)
> 
> So here we go, enjoy!

 

More and more people are filtering in through the huge double door entrance, and the grant ball room of National City's Plaza Hotel gets crowded. L-Corp is holding its annual fundraiser for the children's hospital, so National City's high society gathers in the name of charity.

Alex is not sure why she is here. It's all Kara's fault, really. Since her sister started dating Lena Luthor, the two of them are practically inseparable, and to make up for the missed time with her sister, Kara drags her along as often as possible.

When she had pointed out that she had no date, Kara even offered to organize one for her. Apparently there's a new editor at CatCo who's a lesbian and really pretty. But Alex dismissed it immediately. She doesn't want to date just anyone, in fact there's only one person she wants to date. Of course neither Kara nor anybody else for that matter knows that.

In the end Kara coaxed her to go to the charity ball anyway, claiming it would be better for security reasons to not only have Supergirl, but also a DEO agent on site. Which Alex thinks is bullshit. There hasn't been an attack against Lena or L-Corp since she and the company played a pivotal role in defeating Reign and building up the city again. Now everybody loves L-Corp and the youngest Luthor.

 

But alas, here she is, sitting at the bar in an uncomfortable, yet beautiful dress, the glass of expensive whiskey in her hand the only thing that keeps her from making a run for it.

She watches her sister and Lena standing near the entrance, welcoming the new arrivals. Kara has a beaming smile on her face and her left hand lies gently on the small of Lena's back. They look disgustingly happy, and Alex wishes she had that kind of relationship too.

She sighs before she takes another sip of her drink. She had that, damn it.

For two wonderful, perfect weeks she has been truly happy. In a completely unexpected turn of events, she and Sam had just clicked. After one of their game nights, Sam decided to stay a little bit longer at Alex's apartment, something about taking advantage of Ruby spending the night at a friend's house. They talked and flirted and soon their longing looks and lingering touches turned into a night of steamy, passionate sex.

Only the thought about it has Alex hot and bothered in seconds. She tries to quell her lust by emptying her glass and ordering a new drink.

Her relationship with Sam has been short-lived, but intense and incredibly physical. They couldn't keep their hands off each other whenever they got a moment alone together. Alex never had a more sexually satisfying relationship before in her life, the emotions coming along with it too much for her to handle. She was falling for Sam hard and fast. Though they never talked about their feelings, it seemed too soon.

They kept the true nature of their relationship a secret, nothing but friends for everyone around them, mostly because Sam had wanted to see if they could make it work before she tells Ruby. 

But then everything went up in flames when the whole Reign debacle happened.

Afterwards Sam kept her distance. They never talked about what had been between them, and even though it hurt Alex, she gave Sam the space, she apparently needed. She couldn't help but hope though that after some time of healing and processing the other woman would come around, that they maybe could even continue what they had started. So she was patient, she waited.

Her hope and heart were shattered one sunny Saturday afternoon, almost seven months after Reign, when she - as usual - picked Ruby up for one of the teenager's soccer games. The first thing she noticed was an unfamiliar car in the Arias' driveway, a blue Honda civic. Before she could think too much about it though, the front door opened and Ruby came running into her arms happily shouting "Alex". She caught the enthusiastic girl and after a long hug, they got in the car. During the car ride Ruby told her about her day and when Alex asked about the new car in the driveway, Ruby's answer almost made her throw up. "It's mom's new boyfriend's car. His name is Brian. He's picking her up for their date." The words echoing in her ears, she didn't hear Ruby's further remarks about this Brian and the date. She couldn't say anything either, because she was too busy trying to swallow down the bile in her throat. 

She doesn't remember much of the rest of this day. Only that Ruby's team won and she spent the night alone in her apartment drowning her feelings in alcohol.

 

That was two weeks ago and she feels like she's been drinking ever since, the glass of brown liquor in her hand only boosting that notion.

She hasn't seen Sam alone during that time, only once at game night with the super friends and thankfully never with Brian.

It seems like she is running out of luck tonight, cause in this moment Sam walks up to Lena and Kara, a tall, handsome man at her side. 

She quickly turns around and downs her drink in one go, but she knows there isn't enough liquor in the world to numb her pain. Doesn't mean she won't try, so she ignores the disapproving look from the barkeeper and orders another one.

Everyone settles at their appointed tables as dinner is served, and of course she sits at the same table as Lena, Kara, Sam and the blonde guy. She refuses to acknowledge him by his stupid name. If that makes her petty, so what?

Sam looks even more beautiful than the last time she saw her, and Alex can't keep her eyes off her. It's so not fair. They sit opposite from each other and while everyone else is eating and chatting, Alex just clutches her glass like a lifeline and stares at Sam who seems to intentionally avoid looking at her. Every time the guy touches Sam's arm or hand or only dares to look at her, Alex can hardly suppress the urge to punch him in his ridiculously symmetrical face.

 

"So, how long have you two been dating?" Kara's voice manages to pierce through the alcohol induced haze in Alex's head. 

"Only about a month." Sam answers quickly. She doesn't sound happy about it, not like the guy who immediately adds "and it's been a really wonderful month."

Sam's reaction seems off, and Alex studies her expression intently. The brunette's smile doesn't reach her eyes, she seems almost sad. When Sam looks up, their eyes meet for the first time this night. The intensity of the other woman's gaze hits Alex like a freight train and suddenly she feels like she can't breathe anymore.

She thinks there’s actually a chance she might die if she doesn’t look away soon, but then she never wants to see anything else than those beautiful, brown eyes anyway. Her musings are interrupted as suddenly Sam stands up, muttering an apology and something about freshening up, and leaves the table in a hurry.

Almost instantly Alex is on her feet too. She sways a little bit, but is hardly embarrassed when Kara has to help her steady herself, too focused on her one goal, Sam.

As soon as she's able to, she follows Sam to the women's bathroom, driven by the need to be alone with Sam, to talk to her, to ask her what the hell she's doing with this guy when it is Alex she should be with. 

The short walk clears her mind a little bit, but her jealousy and anger rises with every step.

 

As Alex pushes the bathroom door open, Sam whirls around, a look of surprise on her face that turns into shock when Alex approaches her fast and doesn't stop until Sam's back is pressed against the sink and their hips collide.

She hesitates. Feeling Sam so close to her again fills her mind with memories of their time together and makes her lose focus. She leans forward, burying her nose into Sam's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. When she lets the tip of her nose wander from Sam's clavicle up her neck to her jaw, she feels the brunette's body tremble underneath her. It causes heat to rise in her belly. The desire to touch Sam becomes unbearable, so she gives in and puts her hands on the other woman's waist. She feels Sam's smooth, warm skin through the flimsy material of her dress and wishes nothing more than to rip it apart and touch every inch of her naked body.

With Alex's face almost touching Sam's, she can not only hear the brunette's breath but also feel it against her cheek. It's fast and heavy, like she just ran a mile and can't get enough air in now, and it turns Alex on even more.

Sam whimpers a breathless "Alex..." and the obvious effect she has on Sam satisfies something deep down in Alex's soul. 

She pulls back a little bit, just enough to look into Sam's eyes. Her pupils are blown wide and she finds her own desire reflected in them. Pulled together by an invisible force their lips find each other. It's just the lightest of touches, soft and delicate.

But then Alex remembers that Sam isn't hers to kiss anymore. She remembers why she followed Sam into the bathroom in the first place. Though she can't bring herself to step back, not yet. Her mouth hovers over Sam's, and they are breathing in the same air. None of them moves, while time seems to stand still, and Alex wishes she could stay in this moment forever, just taking Sam in, her body on hers. She missed her so much.

Her heart clenches painfully at the thought, and unconsciously her grip on Sam's waist tightens. She moves her head to the side, her lips brushing along Sam’s jaw line until they are ghosting over Sam's perfect little ear. Her voice low and raspy, she whispers "Do you let him touch you the way I used to?"

A shuddering breath is all she gets as an answer, before Kara suddenly stumbles into the bathroom, shouting "Alex, are you ok? You were gone so long, I thought you were sick and... oh."

The position they are in must have rendered Kara speechless, but not for long. While Alex steps away from Sam, and Sam begins to straighten out her disheveled dress, Kara squeals "Hi Sam!"

Before the CFO can respond, Alex mumbles "I'm fine, Kara, let’s go!"

After one last longing look at Sam, she drags her sister out of the bathroom.

_Well, fuck._

 

 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up next: Sam's POV.
> 
> Let me know what you think. :)


	2. You've been out of reach, could you explain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everbody for reading, giving kudos and commenting!  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter too. 
> 
> Sam does some self-loathing, but then also some self-loving, - if you know what I mean. ;)

 

_Fuck, what just happened?_

While Sam is gripping the sink so hard that her knuckles turn white and tries to get her breathing under control, her mind is reeling.

 

She dreaded coming to this event. Somehow introducing her new boyfriend to her friends felt wrong, but she was too afraid to acknowledge why.

Brian is a good guy, the past month with him has been comfortable and easy. There are no hard feelings, no tragic history between them.

He is just a guy she met at a coffee shop one morning - how cliché, right?! They talked a little bit about their jobs – he works in finance-, then met again two days later at the same coffee shop. He asked for her number, and she gave it to him, he seemed nice enough, was really good-looking and had a friendly smile. One thing lead to another and before Sam knew it they were kissing at her doorstep after their second date.

She managed to ignore the feeling that something just wasn’t right every time he kissed her or touched her. He was a good kisser, his hands were gentle, he was treating her with respect and care. _But he’s not Alex_ , the voice inside her head whispered every so often and even screamed out loud sometimes when she forgot to consciously silence it.

It got easier, and after a while, she found that she genuinely enjoyed spending time with Brain. With him, she was not the earthly vessel for a vindictive worldkiller, no alter-ego for a supervillian, she was just Sam, hard-working single mom Sam.

He hasn’t seen the blood on her hands, has never felt her foot crushing his chest, has never seen her eyes turn into deadly weapons that burn holes into living flesh.

But Alex has. Alex has seen and felt all of that and so much more. She even witnessed her sister’s death by her hands – Reign’s hands. Sam remembers that, the memories of her time as Reign came back to her, a last gruesome goodbye gift from her dark passenger.

How they were able to resuscitate Kara, Sam never got to know. She was unconscious by then, half dead herself, after Lena had released her experimental super weapon as a last resort – when everything had seemed lost. Later, she hasn’t dared to ask how Kara survived. The good soul that she is, Kara forgave her easily, telling her again and again that it wasn’t her fault, that it wasn’t her, but Reign. She nevertheless feels guilty still.

And Alex? Sam has barely been able to look her in the eyes, too afraid to see hatred and resentment where once she saw love and desire.

So she has avoided the older Danvers sister as much as possible, which became easier once she had been released from the DEO holding cell. Though the agent often spent time with Ruby - which Sam was really grateful for -, Sam has made sure that she never was alone with Alex, never came too close. Alex seemed fine with that arrangement, and even though Sam sometimes wished they could talk about everything that had happened between them, she was just relieved that Alex tolerated her presence at all after what Reign had done. She often wondered if Alex saw Reign when she looked at her, saw her squeeze the life out of her sister. How could they ever move past that? How could Alex ever want her, love her, after everything?

 

These thoughts bring her back to the present day. She felt Alex’s eyes on her the whole evening, it made her jittery and she was barely able to follow the conversation during dinner. Alex was quiet, nursing her drink, not the first one this evening by the look of it, but the tension was almost palpable. And Sam didn’t know what to expect from the redhead.

When Kara steered the direction of the conversation to her relationship with Brian, and Alex’s gaze became even more intense, burning holes into her head, Sam couldn’t take it anymore. For the first time in what felt like forever she looked Alex directly into the eyes.

Alex's dark brown eyes were glazed over from alcohol, but there was no disgust or accusation like she had dreaded. Some anger, yes, but most prominently there was lust. The redhead looked ready to bounce and take her right then and there. 

After months of telling herself Alex would never want to be with her again, Sam almost couldn't believe what she saw. It made her heart beat faster and brought an always simmering desire to a boil.

She had to get out of there, she couldn’t handle the onslaught of emotions, so she made a quick escape to the bathroom.

Before she could even turn the water on, the bathroom door flew open. Alex had her captured between the sink and her body in a second, and the closeness of the other woman made her dizzy with want.

All conscious thought left her when she felt Alex’s nose against the skin of her throat. And Alex hands on her waist left her a whimpering mess. The following kiss felt like relief and torture at the same time. It was too short, too fleeting, simply not enough.

She could never get enough of Alex, but she desperately tried. She was breathing her in, relishing in the feeling of Alex’s body pressed against her own, her strong, almost possessive grip, her lips on her skin.

"Do you let him touch you the way I used to?" 

Alex’s words hit her like an icy shower, but at the same time they stirred the heat inside her lower abdomen.

 _No. No one ever touched me like you did._ She desperately wanted to say, but she couldn’t get the words out.

Then of course Kara had to come in and ruin everything. The Danvers sisters were gone in an instant and left Sam behind.

 

Her breathing has evened out by now. She looks into the mirror and takes in her disheveled state. Her face is flushed, her lipstick smeared and the strap of her dress hangs loosely over her shoulder. After splashing some cold water onto her face and drying it with a towel, she reaches for her clutch and goes on re-applying her makeup and adjusting her dress.

When she looks presentable again, she moves to leave the bathroom, but holds in her step. There’s an uncomfortable wetness between her legs and she realizes her panties are ruined by her arousal. _Damn, Alex._

She ponders her options and decides to go commando. Her panties tugged into a plastic bag inside her clutch (she is a mother, she always has a spare plastic bag inside her handbag, ok?!), she finally leaves the bathroom and goes back to their table.

Of course Alex is not there anymore. Lena tells her that Kara is bringing her home, because she hasn’t been feeling well. So she sits down, next to her boyfriend, still feeling the residual arousal, not only between her legs but also deep inside her soul. She can't help but squirm in her chair every so often.

When Kara comes back about half an hour later, she eyes Sam suspiciously, and Sam isn't able to hold back the blush that rapidly colors her cheeks. She really doesn't want to think about what the younger Danvers thinks to know or actually knows or doesn't know about her and Alex and their whole situation. She just wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole. Of course the universe is not that merciful.

 

The gala seems to last forever and Sam has to endure it, she is the CFO after all. She makes an effort to not only physically attend, but her thoughts are all over the place, and so she has a hard time participating in the conversations with co-workers, investors and other guests.

Thankfully Brian doesn’t seem to notice, and when the evening comes to an end and they take a taxi home, he even asks if he can come in. Sam is inclined to say yes for a moment, she desperately needs some relief. But then she feels like that would be cheating on Alex, which is crazy, cause they aren’t together anymore, she is with Brian - if anything she is cheating on him. _God, damn it._

She absolutely can’t have him around tonight though. So after a short kiss goodbye they part ways and Sam enters her house alone.

It’s dark inside, Ruby is with a friend. She leaves it that way, the moonlight shining through the windows enough for her to find her way upstairs and to the bathroom. She takes a quick shower, trying to wash away her lingering arousal and clear her mind from any thoughts about a certain redheaded agent. It’s completely useless.

 

By the time she falls into bed, she feels ready to combust.

When she closes her eyes, she imagines Alex's expressive eyes looking back at her, and just as in the bathroom earlier, there's a fire in her gaze that sets Sam aflame. 

Her right hand travels down her body seemingly on its own volition, till it finds its way inside her sleeping shorts. She quickly congratulates herself for her decision to forego wearing panties once again. 

With a short swipe through her folds she wets her middle finger and goes right for her clit, too impatient for any kind of playing around. She needed this hours ago, no time to waste now.

The small, firm circles on her already swollen nub feel like heaven. The tingling sensation in her lower abdomen intensifies when she thinks back to Alex's skilled fingers doing that to her. And even though it's been months ago, she can almost smell the redhead's earthy scent, like a forest after the rainfall, mixed with a hint of cherry flowers from Alex's favorite shampoo. 

She dips her fingers inside her opening, first one, then two. She's so aroused already that they slip in and out easily. While her fingers move inside her, she keeps massaging her clit with her thumb. 

... _Do you let him touch you the way I used to..._

_...the way I used to..._

Alex's whispered words echoing in her mind, she comes with a drawn-out moan.

Despite still feeling her walls pulse around her fingers, she doesn't have enough.

_Will it ever be enough without the real deal? Without Alex?_

Angry at the thought and determined to prove herself wrong, she starts thrusting her fingers in and out faster, harder, aiming for that certain spot that she knows will make her come again. 

And come again she does, her right hand covered with a fresh gush of her own juices, her other hand gripping the bed sheet tightly, her whole body trembling, her traitorous mouth screaming Alex's name.

 _Fuck_. 

 

Breathing heavily while coming down from her orgasm, she suddenly feels tears filling her eyes. At first she is confused and doesn't even know why, but then a feeling of despair follows shortly after and with it comes a crucial realization that she somehow has managed to ignore the whole time.

Alex has been drunk. She acted out tonight, in a drunken haze, and seeing Sam with Brain probably just made her jealous for old times’ sake.

Even though Sam hasn't admitted it to herself before, she has hoped tonight's encounter with Alex could mean that the other woman might actually want her back.

In light of Alex’s inebriated state however, her hope seems delusive, even foolish now.

A familiar pain rises in her chest, one that always takes hold of her when she thinks about Alex and what they could have been if Reign had never happened. She lets the tears flow freely then, unable to hold them back anyway. Soon exhaustion overwhelms her and lulls her into a fitful sleep.

 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates might be slow. Thank you for your patience in advance.


	3. But don't you worry, I can handle it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been a while... Thanks to everyone who is still reading this.  
> Hopefully this 4k+ chapter will make up for the wait. 
> 
>  
> 
> trigger warnings: homophobic slurs and violence towards the end of the chapter

 

 

Alex wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and a stale taste in her mouth. She’s almost used to waking up like that by now. What surprises her though, is that she is in her PJ’s in her bed - not on the couch -, and there’s a glass of water and some pills on her bedside table.

There’s only one person who would take care of her like that, so she silently thanks her sister and takes the ibuprofen, swallowing it down with a large gulp of water.

Slowly the events from last night come to mind as she lies back again to get some more rest. The memory of her encounter with Sam, however, chases the remnants of sleep away and a slight panic settles in.

What the fuck did she do? What has she been thinking? Well, she hasn’t been thinking at all, her mind clouded by jealousy as much as alcohol. She practically forced herself on Sam.

No, Sam liked it too, right? She kissed her back, she wanted it. Or was her mind just playing tricks on her? Sam didn’t actually give her consent. Shit, shit, shit.

Bile rises in her throat and she only just makes it to the bathroom, before she empties her stomach’s content - which thankfully isn’t much - into the toilet bowl.

Afterwards she sits back against the cold tiles of the wall between the toilet and the bathtub, with her knees tucked to her chest and rests her head between them. She tries to get her breathing under control, but her deep breaths only transition into heart-wrenching sobs.

She vaguely registers Kara coming in and taking her into her arms.

“Alex, come here. I got you… it’s gonna be okay.”

Her sister’s soothing voice and tight embrace manage to calm her down after a while.

She lifts her head from Kara’s shoulder, her cheeks still wet from tears, her chin quivering.

“I fucked it up, Kara. Sam is never going to talk to me ever again.” Her voice is hoarse and scratchy, but she knows Kara is able to decipher her words anyway.

The Kryptonian stands up and effortlessly drags Alex along with her. Both steady on their feet, Kara cups Alex’s cheek gently and regards her with a soft, but simultaneously stern look. 

“I don’t know what’s going on between you and Sam, but I’m sure whatever it is, we’ll find a solution.” She wrinkles her nose and adds “So, you’re going to take a shower now, and when you don’t smell like a distillery anymore, we’re going to talk, ok?”

Alex just nods, too exhausted to even think about protesting.

 

 

They meet in the kitchen half an hour later, and Kara welcomes her with a smile and a cup of hot coffee. Freshly showered and teeth brushed, Alex feels a little bit better already.

She leans against the kitchen counter and nips at her coffee tentatively, waiting for her sister to start her interrogation.

“So, you and Sam, huh?” Kara begins, directly coming to the point.

“It’s complicated.” She knows she won’t get away with this vague answer, but it’s good enough to stall a little bit, giving her a moment to sort out her jumbled thoughts.

As expected Kara is unimpressed and just raises an eyebrow, so Alex relents and sighs.

“Fine. Sam and I were together…”

“What? When? How? Why didn’t you tell me?” Kara’s high-pitched voice causes her already dulled headache to worsen again. She groans, closing her eyes for a second.

“Will you let me explain before you bombard me with questions?”

Kara opens her mouth as if to protest, but then closes it again, tilting her head in contemplation, before she says “Go on.”

“Ok, so as I was saying, Sam and I were together for about two weeks. I… I don’t know, it just happened…”

She can't help but think back to that fateful night when it all started.

 

_Game night at Alex's place had ended just an hour ago, most of the guests had left already, apart from Sam. When Sam had stayed back, Alex had first thought it was just to help her clean up, and she had to admit she greatly enjoyed spending time with the other woman. Conversation was flowing easily between them, Alex enraptured by Sam’s wit and kindness. But then the dishwasher was loaded and the empty wine and beer bottles discarded, and Sam took a seat on the couch, not showing any intention to leave. Alex stood there a little awkwardly, unsure what to do._

_As if sensing her confusion, Sam explained, "Ruby has a sleepover at a friend's house, so I got all night..." honest-to-goodness winking at her "... so why don't we watch a movie or something? Your pick."_

_So, what was she supposed to do? She couldn't say no. Even if the thought of spending more time alone with the gorgeous brunette made her little gay heart doing summersaults. She had been nervous around Sam before, but this flustered state was just ridiculous._

_Sitting down next to Sam, Alex picked a horror movie, because it was her favorite genre and she rarely got to see it with Kara. Plus it was safe, no romantic feelings stuff, right?_

_She realized how wrong she was when Sam snuggled closer to her and suddenly grabbed her arm at the first jump scare, blunt nails digging in almost painfully._

_Alex felt heat where their bodies were touching and had a hard time concentrating on the movie. Next time the music swelled indicating that the murderer has found a new victim, Sam buried her face into Alex’s shoulder and by instinct Alex wrapped her arms around her fearful friend protectively._

_While Alex was reveling in the feeling of having the other woman in her arms, her shirt which was already hanging loosely on her shoulders must have slid down further, and suddenly Sam’s lips were touching the sensitive skin on her collarbone._

_Her breath hitched, but the contact was fleeting and she almost convinced herself that it was unintentional, but then Sam’s soft lips kept brushing inwardly along her collarbone till they reached her pulse point and pressed down firmly. She tries and fails to suppress a moan. Sam didn’t seem to mind though, because she proceeded by biting down just a little bit before stroking her tongue in small circles around the spot._

_“Sam…” Her voice breaking, hoarse and rough, had her thinking that maybe she should have been embarrassed about how much she was turned on by so little so fast._

_“Mmm.” Sam just murmured in response, kissing her at the corner of her mouth, before silencing Alex with her lips fully on hers._

_Alex’s mind went blank, and all she could do was feel,… Sam’s warm, pillowy lips moving effortlessly against hers, her teeth capturing her lower lip then grazing it with her tongue, the same hot, wet appendage licking into her mouth, first tentatively, then hungrily, devouring her…_

 

"Ahem, Alex?"

"Um, sorry, I got lost in thought." Alex admits sheepishly. "So, yeah, we didn’t really define our relationship, we were barely even dating. I mean, we only went on two dates. Most of the time we spent together we were in my apartment… just the two of us...” Alex blushes a little bit at the implication.

Kara catches on quickly and clears her throat in obvious discomfort. “Yeah, I think, I’ll pass on further details.”

“So, anyway… We hid away in our own little bubble. We didn’t tell you guys. I guess, because it was all fresh and new and fragile, and Sam wanted to be sure that it’s serious before telling Ruby.”

“It’s been serious for you, right?” Of course her sister would see right through her.

Alex contemplates lying or omitting the truth, just brushing it off with a snarky remark, but the softness in her sister’s voice strips away all of her defenses.

So, for the first time ever she says out loud what has been on her mind and in her heart for all these months.

“I fell in love with her right from the start.”

“Oh, Alex.” Kara rounds the kitchen counter and engulfs her in a hug. The sisterly comfort almost makes Alex start crying again, but as she struggles against the tears, Kara loosens the embrace and looks at her, encouraging her to go on.

And Alex does.

“Then Reign ruined everything. After only two weeks of being together, it all fell apart.”

She can hardly hold back the tears anymore, sniffling and wiping a stray tear from her cheek.

“Afterwards Sam acted like our relationship or affair or whatever you want to call it didn’t even happen. She avoided me. And I can’t really blame her. I mean, I let her down. I promised her to help her with her memory gaps, to find out what is wrong with her… Fuck, I slept with her and didn’t even realize what was going on. I’m such an idiot.”

“Alex, none of us knew.”

“Oh yeah? Lena figured it all out pretty quickly. She put the puzzle pieces together.” She can’t help the slight accusatory tone in her voice, but thankfully Kara doesn’t seem to pick up on it.

“Well, Lena is a genius, so… ok, that’s beside the point. But Alex, I’m sure Sam doesn’t blame you for anything. Have you tried to talk to her?”

“No, she wouldn’t let me come close, and after a while I just gave up. I thought she hated me.”

“Pfff. Judging from what I saw yesterday, I don’t think that’s true.”

Alex’s stomach drops and suddenly she feels sick again.

Her sudden paleness must alert Kara, judging from her concerned frown. “Alex, what is it? Are you ok?”

“No. You don’t understand. I- I touched her and kissed her without her consent. If she hasn’t before, she’s going to hate me now, maybe even get a restraining order or something…”

“Alex. Would you please stop!” Kara interrupts her sister’s rambling. “I saw you both together and it didn’t look like it was one-sided, ok? Besides don’t you think you underestimate Sam? I’m sure she is able to put you in your place.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have done that.” Alex sighs, burrowing her face in her hands.  

But Kara gently pries them away and takes her hands in her own, before she softly says “I think you wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t been drunk… When you’re drunk you don’t make good choices.”

“I know, Kara, I know.”

“You can’t keep drowning your feelings in alcohol, Alex. Clearly, it only makes things worse.”

She looks up, daring to look into her sister’s eyes for the first time since approaching this topic.  She sees no judgment there, only concern. It makes it easier for her to relent and admit the truth.

“I… it’s just… you’re right.”

Kara squeezes her hands as if to affirm her next words. “You know you can always come to me and talk to me… I’m here for you.”

“I know. Thank you.” She also knows this is only the beginning of her having to deal with her alcoholic tendencies. But isn’t admitting you have a problem the first step to recovery or something like that? She makes a silent vow to herself to stop drinking and seek out professional help. She even manages to swallow down her feelings of vulnerability and shame for needing help that come along with the thought of making an appointment with the DEO’s psychiatrist.

Kara’s voice gets her out of her head, before she can dwell on it.

“So, about Sam… What are you going to do?”

Although almost paralyzed with the fear of losing Sam for good, she puts on a brave face and is able to keep her voice from trembling when she answers.

“I’m going to do what I should have done months ago. Stop being a coward and go talk to her. I’m going to apologize for letting her down and for my behavior last night. If she’s willing to listen to me, to let me explain,… I’ll tell her how I feel about her. Whatever happens then, at least I’ve tried, right?”

“Of course. You’re agent Alex Danvers of the DEO, you’ve faced monsters and danger and even death countless times, you can do this! And no matter how this is going to end, I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always love you, ok?”

She doesn’t really feel the same unrelenting optimism that her sister portrays, but manages an “Ok” anyway.

Kara tilts her head and looks at her expectantly.

“Oh, you mean now?”

“Yeah, no time like the present. Sam is probably at L-Corp. Lena told me yesterday they both would go in today to go over the results of the fundraiser.”

She hardly has time to grab her keys, leather jacket and helmet, before Kara shoves her out of her own apartment.

 

 

It’s a Saturday and the streets of National City are bustling with life. She still makes it to L-Corp relatively fast thanks to the flexibility that comes with riding a motorbike.

Taking the first steps through the huge entrance hall of L-Corp, she feels her resolve falter. Maybe it’s better to stay in the limbo of the unknown for a little while longer. She’s been there for over seven months already, what’s another few months, right?

But then she realizes she can’t do this any longer. Things have changed, Brian came along, and with him her chances for a happy ending with Sam were decreasing rapidly. Every day that goes by she feels like Sam is slipping further and further away from her. The bathroom encounter from the night before seems to have been the unfortunate culmination of her spiraling fear of losing Sam. Maybe she has already lost her.

The elevator doors open to the CFO’s floor, accompanied with a ding that brings her back to the present.

She steps out of the elevator and approaches Sam’s assistant’s desk. The name tag on the counter reminds her that her name is Julia. She knew that, but in her nervous state she forgot briefly.

“Hi Julia, is Sam in? I don’t have an appointment, but I would like to talk with her.”

The blonde looks up from her computer screen, a surprised smile on her lips.

“Oh, good morning, Agent Danvers, I haven’t seen you around in a while... Ahem, yes, Ms Arias is in her office. Ms Luthor just left, so she should be free now. I’ll let her know that you are here.”

“Thank you.”

Before Alex has time to sit down on one of the leather chairs in the waiting area, Julia tells her that she can go in.

She stands right before Sam’s office door, her hand lingering on the door handle, trying to brace herself for what’s to come. She can practically feel the curious gaze of Sam’s assistant on her back, probably wondering why it’s taking her so long to enter Sam’s office. It doesn’t matter anyway, there would never be enough time to prepare her for Sam, this beautiful goddess of a woman that stole her heart and is most likely the key to her happiness or her undoing.

Taking a deep breath, she pushes the handle down, opens the door and steps inside in one swift motion.

Sam sits at her desk, her posture seems rigid, and even so she is as beautiful as ever in her immaculate pants suit, Alex notices that she looks tired, maybe exhausted even.

The CFO greets her with a polite, business-like “Alex, what can I do for you?” and a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

It makes Alex uncomfortable and even more nervous, so before she loses her nerves completely, she steps in front of the desk, and says the first thing on her mind.

“Sam, I just wanted… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about my behavior last night. I shouldn’t have done that. I was drunk and I know that’s not an excuse, but…  I’m sorry.”

Shit, Alex, really, can’t you even get an apology right? She scolds herself mentally.

As she brings her eyes up from her feet to gather Sam’s reaction, she imagines for a second Sam looks crestfallen, but within the blink of an eye Sam’s expression is blank again, her eyes void of any emotion.

“I accept your apology. You should go now. I have another appointment.”

Alex feels the cold, harsh words like stabs to her heart. She’s stunned to a momentary silence by the finality of them. 

While she struggles for words, for anything that would keep Sam from shutting her out - of her office, of her life -, Sam pushes a button on her intercom, and in an instant Julia comes in.

“Julia, can you please accompany Agent Danvers out.”

“Of course, Ms Arias.”

 

 

She’s alone inside the elevator, on her way down, when she snaps out of her initial shock and registers fully what just happened. Her hands are trembling, but she wills herself to not fall apart right there and then by counting the seconds between the floors, staring at the changing numbers above the metal doors.

As soon as it reaches the ground floor and the doors open, she starts moving, like on autopilot, and doesn’t stop till she’s back at her apartment.

Shutting the door behind her, she finally lets herself fall. Her knees giving way, she sinks down to the ground, her back against the door.

Sam’s words playing in her head in a loop. _You should go._

She has sent her away. The way she said them left no room for a positive interpretation. Sam doesn’t want to be bothered by her ever again. It’s been clear that there wasn’t another appointment, Sam just wanted her out.

She curses herself again for being such a fool, for not getting out even half the things she wanted to tell Sam. But would it have made a difference? Would she have been able to convince Sam to give her another chance? Probably not, she’s with someone else. She doesn’t want Alex back in her life.

The thought makes her feel like her insides rearrange themselves. She longs for something to numb the pain, to silence her inner voice, but instead of reaching for the bottle of whiskey in her kitchen cabinet, she dials her sister’s number. She made a promise after all.

 

She spends the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday on the couch with her sister, talking, watching silly cartoons and eating way too much junk food.

At night she cries herself to sleep.

Some time in between Kara throws all the alcohol out, including her secret stash.

 

On Monday she almost feels like maybe she can survive without Sam in her life. She’s been fine on her own for so long, she has her family and friends, her work. Before Maggie that has been enough, after Sam it will be enough again.

 

She has an appointment with the DEO’s psychiatrist on Tuesday.

She almost doesn’t go.

Afterwards she’s glad she did. Somehow talking about her life and her problems with a stranger didn’t feel as weird as she thought it would. When she leaves the doctor’s office, she actually feels a little bit lighter. She knows she has a long way ahead of her, and has to work on herself, especially at finding healthier ways to cope than drinking, but it’s a start.

 

Like a sign from the heavens that not all good things are lost forever, Army Major and DEO co-Director Lucy Lane appears at the DEO headquarters on Thursday morning.

Lucy doesn’t tell them where she’s been, apparently only J’onn has the clearance to know, but she informs them that she is back at the DEO for the foreseeable future. She stays at a hotel, but apparently she is already looking for an apartment in National City, so it really seems to be something more permanent.

Alex doesn’t know how much she has missed the tiny human with all her fierceness and sassiness, until she is knocked down on her ass in the training room.

“Getting old, Danvers? I don’t remember it being that easy to kick your ass.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

She takes Lucy’s offered hand anyway and lets herself be dragged back on her feet.

“Another round?”

“Bring it, Lane.”

She loses two more times before she manages to get Lucy in a chokehold that forces the soldier to tap out.

 

Even though she doesn’t feel like partying, Alex agrees to go to a club to celebrate Lucy’s return. Seeing as Lucy doesn’t take no for an answer, she doesn’t really have a choice. They make plans for the evening, Winn and James tag along, and soon Alex is standing in between a sweaty crowd of twenty-somethings and watches the other three on the dance floor, getting their groove on or whatever.

They already had a few Tequilla shots and are in different stages of drunk. Judging from the way Winn is jumping around, he’s probably the least sober one of the trio. Alex mentally claps herself on the back for staying away from the hard liquor. She’s still nursing her first beer and she doesn’t plan on having another one.

Lucy is nothing but persistent, so when she urges Alex to dance with them for the fourth time, she surrenders, puts her empty beer bottle on the nearest table and follows Lucy to the dance floor.

At first she feels uncomfortable and awkward, there’s not enough alcohol in her system to lower her inhibition. But with time she manages to get out of her head and get lost in the music. She lets the fast drumming beat guide her body and the repetitive tunes wash away her thoughts.

Her eyes closed, arms over her head, it catches her by surprise when suddenly eager hands settle on her hips and a slim thigh is nudged in between her legs in a not so subtle manner.

For a second she thinks it’s Lucy. It wouldn’t be the first time that the lines of their friendship get blurred on a drunken night out, but then she opens her eyes, and after adjusting to the dancing lights she makes out an admittedly beautiful, tall brunette right in front of her who regards her with an easy smile.

Alex stiffens, her first instinct is to draw back. She is not used to gorgeous woman coming on to her. Between Maggie and Sam there haven’t been many opportunities to just go out, enjoy herself a little bit and embrace her newfound sexuality.

The woman doesn’t falter however, instead she continues to sway seductively to the music, making sure to get even closer to Alex. And Alex is not immune to the persuasion of a pretty lady, relaxing she goes along with the movements of the other woman.

In the dark lighting of the club she can almost imagine it being Sam. At the thought she curses herself for being so pathetic. Why can’t she just let her go? She knows the answer to that of course, but it’s all too much for her right now. She doesn’t want to feel so sad and frustrated and angry and desperate anymore. She wants to feel something else for a change, she just wants to feel good.

So she doesn’t stop the brunette from dragging her away from the dance floor to a darker corridor, presumably one that leads to the bathrooms. Not that they get that far, because suddenly Alex is pinned to the wall, the woman crashing her lips on hers. The kiss is all teeth and tongue, hungry and reckless, and it’s exactly what Alex wants at that moment. She twirls them around, so that she’s the one who presses the girl against the wall, her hands slipping under her shirt, exploring her soft, hot skin.

And damn, does it feel good. But also wrong. So wrong that Alex is about to draw back, when out of nowhere she is pushed aside with a force that makes her loose her balance and fall down on the ground. Before she knows what’s going on, someone kicks her in the face.

The explosion of pain between her eyes and blood gushing from her nose leaves her gasping for breath and defenseless for a moment. With wide eyes she looks around, trying to identify the assailant.

There’s a burly guy looming over her.  

“Are you kidding me?! You fucking dyke!" He snarls with spite. “Do you have a habit of kissing other people’s girlfriends?”

At that Alex snaps, she blocks and catches his foot when he tries to kick her again and yanks him down to the floor. She’s on him in a second, punching his face, again and again and again.

Blinded by rage she hardly recognizes James who’s suddenly dragging her away from the man, barely able to restrain her.

She’s struggling to get out of his hold until Lucy is in front of her, shouting, “Alex, Alex, calm down. What the fuck?”

Confronted with Lucy’s piercing gaze she deflates. Behind Lucy she can see the brunette woman crouching over her boyfriend, offering him a tissue, not that it will do much for his demolished looking face. At least he’s not unconscious.

“Come on, we’ve got to get out of here.” James urges. He has lowered his grip on Alex and gently pushes her towards the entrance now. A small crowd has gathered in the corridor, and Alex can hear somebody calling an ambulance, while she, James, Winn and Lucy make their way out.

The cold night air hits her, making her shiver, but she welcomes it, taking deep breaths, trying to get her bearings. Even though the guy deserved it, she can’t believe she beat him up. Fuck. He just hit so close to home with what he said, her situation with Sam coming to the forefront of her mind, she had seen red.

She’s glad that Lucy accompanies her home and gratefully accepts her offer to stay the night. She doesn’t know what she would do on her own, they both just know she shouldn’t be alone.  

Her friend has been quiet during the Uber ride home, but now as Lucy gently cleans her face with a washing cloth while Alex sits on the edge of the bathtub, she knows she wants an explanation.

“Alex, what’s going on with you?” She asks softly.

So she tells her. Everything. About Sam and their brief relationship, the complicated mess that they are in now, her unhealthy coping mechanisms, the incident at the charity event, her heartbreak.

Lucy just listens, while cleaning the agent’s face, her bloodied knuckles, and then applying some antiseptic balm on the wounds and bruises.

Somehow she knows that Lucy won’t judge her, it makes it easier to talk openly. When Alex finishes, Lucy opens her mouth, but then closes it again.

She examines Alex’s nose and the bones of her eye socket with some probing touches. At the pain Alex barely suppresses a hiss.

“I don’t think something’s broken. Just bruised. It looks worse than it is. You’ll be fine.” Lucy smiles at her meaningfully.

 

 

Alex wakes up the next morning, feeling like someone punched her in the face. Then she remembers that indeed someone kicked her in the face and groans.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, she looks at herself in the mirror and takes in her injuries. Her nose is slightly swollen, but at least it’s still straight. There’s a blackish blue hematoma running from the bridge of her nose to the underside of her left eye. She put some ice on it at night, so the bruising is pretty limited now. Well, it could have been worse.

While making coffee for herself and her house guest who has awoken in a grumpy mood after sleeping on the couch and is now in the bathroom, Alex is startled by a knock on her door.

Thinking it’s Kara who has forgotten her keys again, she opens the door without looking through the spyhole first.

She stops dead in her tracks then, staring wide-eyed at the person before her.

“Sam?”

 

 

 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: Sam's week. 
> 
> There will be only 2 or 3 more chapters. Updates will continue to be slow though, sorry.
> 
> I'd love to hear from you, so leave a comment or two (it rhymes! lol) ;)


	4. Did you take him to the pier in Santa Monica?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi you all! I'm back with another chapter, it's the longest yet, and I know it took me ages... sorry!!!
> 
> This whole fic got a lot angstier than intended, I hope you'll like it anyway (or even more because of it?). And don't worry, there's light at the end of the tunnel/chapter. ;)
> 
> On a side note: Sam is purely human here. The way Reign was defeated is different from canon though (because I started this fic months ago).

 

The next morning Sam is woken by the alarm on her nightstand way too early. After a night of restless sleep, she still feels exhausted, but drags herself out of bed anyway.

Ruby is still at her friend’s house, Sam is going to pick her up later, so she forgoes a nutritious breakfast, only making coffee.

She and Lena agreed to meet at the office for a debriefing of the fundraiser, on a Saturday morning, right after the party, - which seems ill-advised now in the harsh light of the morning, Sam realizes while waiting for her coffee to brew.

After getting her first dose of caffeine - certainly not the last one on that day - Sam drives to L-Corp.

 

Before Lena arrives, she has already gathered and analyzed all data about the donations and made a neat presentation to show her boss.

Concentrating on this task has helped Sam to calm the turbulence of conflicting emotions that torment her since the encounter with Alex last night.

Numbers have always been her safe place, she’s good with them.

Rationality, logic, order.

There are no messy emotions, no expectations, no ambiguity, no hidden rules that make no sense but somehow can make or break a relationship. Just clarity, facts, right or wrong - never both.

Math provides her mind peace, always has.

That’s how she manages to not think about a certain beautiful, fierce DEO agent. At least until Lena enters her office, two coffees in hand, a worried smile on her lips.

Lena knows something is up, it’s written all over her face. Sam half expects the other woman to just confront her about it, because she knows Lena has a talent to call things as they are. But then, her friend seems to know that whatever she suspects Sam is dealing with needs a more delicate approach.

They get through the results of the fundraiser rather quickly, thanks to Sam having done almost all the work already.  It’s only after they have discussed how many of their renovations costs for the children’s hospital are covered, that Lena tentatively steers their conversation to more private matters.

“So, Kara left early this morning to check on Alex. She didn’t look so good yesterday. Have you heard from her?”

“Lena,” She drags the word out, her voice slightly reprimanding, “You know that I haven’t talked to Alex privately in months.”

“Yeah, and why is that exactly?” An inquiring eyebrow is raised.

“I… You know she… She doesn’t want to see me.” Sam mumbles.

“What? She comes over to your house all the time.”

“To see Ruby. She takes her to soccer practice and stuff.”

“What makes you think she doesn’t want to see you?”

Sam squirms uncomfortably in her seat. This starts to feel like an interrogation, and Sam isn’t ready to dive into this issue yet.

“Lena, I… I really don’t want to talk about it right now, ok?”

Thankfully Lena relents. “Ok, but whatever is going on, you know that you can always talk to me about it.”

“I don’t want to burden you with my problems on top of everything.” Sam admits reluctantly.

“You’re never a burden to me. Do you understand?”

“Yes, ok. I- I will come talk to you next time when I don’t feel so good.” It still sounds unsure, and Lena must have noticed.

“Promise me.”

Sam knows Lena won’t take no for an answer. “I promise.”

That seems to be enough for Lena for now as she gets ready to leave. “Ok, so I’m going to the lab, I have a project I want to check on.”

“I’m going to do some calculations on the renovation works again. Maybe if we replace some of the contractors, we can save enough money to get this new MRI machine too.”

“Ok, just don’t stay too long, Sam, go home and enjoy your weekend.”

“Ah, look who’s talking.”

She hears Lena laugh before closing her office door, leaving her alone with her numbers.

 

 

It’s not long until she’s interrupted again, when the intercom on her desk buzzes and her assistant, Julia, lets her know that Agent Danvers is here to see her.

Sam is momentarily shocked at the news. _What does Alex want here? Is it about last night? Shit, it probably is about last night._

She fights down a mild panic attack and tells Julia to let her in.

It seems like an eternity till the office door opens, and Sam does her best to keep her breathing under control. Her efforts are fruitless though, because as soon as Alex strides in, Sam’s breath hitches and she feels like she might faint. In a simple hoodie and leather jacket Alex looks sexier than most in fancy lingerie.

_Get yourself together for fuck’s sake._

She straightens her back in an attempt to keep her composure and puts on a tight smile. Much to her own surprise, she even manages to speak.

“Alex, what can I do for you?” She almost winces at the coldness in her voice. She might have overcompensated in trying so hard not to show her emotions.

She instantly regrets it when she notices Alex’s nervousness, the otherwise self-assured agent fiddles with the zipper of her jacket and even though she takes a step forward, she doesn’t look her in the eyes.

“Sam, I just wanted… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about my behavior last night. I shouldn’t have done that. I was drunk and I know that’s not an excuse, but…  I’m sorry.”

It feels like a blow to the chest. The words seem to confirm everything Sam has dreaded, that Alex doesn’t really want her back, instead the encounter last night was only a result of Alex’s drunken horniness. She can practically feel the last spark of hope for a future with Alex be snuffed out, leaving her in complete and utter darkness.

She welcomes the void of emotions, it’s better than the alternative - agony. It makes it easier for her to keep functioning, but she doesn’t know how long it will last, so she has to get the other woman out of her office. She can’t break down in front of Alex.

“I accept your apology. You should go now. I have another appointment.” She hears herself say.

Busying herself with the intercom and calling her assistant in, she doesn’t see the shock on Alex’s face. Nor the distraught, pleading look Alex darts at her before Julia leads the agent out of the office.

 

 

Afterwards she forces herself to get back to work and not let thoughts about having lost Alex once and for all invade her mind. The constant struggle slows her down, but she doesn’t give up until her calculations pan out and she’s reached a satisfying result. She might have made some mistakes as a mother and she might be a complete failure when it comes to her love life, but she is not going to let said love life compromise her work. Her job is the one thing she is unexceptionally good at, and she won’t let some stupid feelings take that away from her.

 

At noon she gets a text from Ruby asking for her permission to go to the movies with her friend in the afternoon. Her daughter obviously enjoyed the sleepover at her friend’s house and the girls wanted to spend more time together. Sam is about to finish work for today, and the initial plan was to fetch Ruby up right after work, but she knows that the situation with Alex will catch up with her sooner rather than later. She can only push down her feelings for so long, and it’s probably better that Ruby is not around for the inevitable emotional breakdown.

So she texts her daughter back, letting her know that she’s allowed to go to the movies and that Sam is going to pick her up later for dinner.

 

 

It happens as soon as on her drive home to an empty house. Her vision gets blurry and her hands are shacking. Her unsteady movements cause the car to swerve, so she desperately tries to focus enough to keep it on the road. She only just manages to turn right into the next side street and park her car, before it gets worse.

She knows the signs of a panic attack by now, having to suffer through one on a regular basis since Reign. However they were less frequent nowadays, and she has thought she got a handle on it, but clearly she has been wrong.

She can’t keep her tears at bay, can’t force air into her lungs, can’t slow down her heartbeat, and she absolutely can’t stop thinking the same thoughts over and over again, about losing herself to an evil entity again, about losing her daughter, about losing Alex, about losing everything and everybody.

Soon she feels like she’s enveloped in a blanket of cold, her breathing static, and her spiraling thoughts slowing down. Like footsteps in the snow, it takes a huge effort to drag her mind out of one thought and into the other, until it stops altogether and one thought lingers.

It’s not even a whole thought, just a fraction, just an echo.

_Alone._

 

Somehow she remembers how to breathe. As her lungs fill with air, and her breathing becomes steadier, she gains control of her body again. It feels like clawing herself back out after being buried by an avalanche. The effort is almost more than she can handle, every tiny movement hurts and her heart is still racing.

Somehow she makes it through the most violent panic attack she has had for the last four months. It only lasted a few minutes, but to Sam it felt like an eternity, it felt like dying.

She feels drained of all energy afterwards, like her body and mind have been chewed up and spitted out, and one thought remains. She has lost Alex. They would never be what they used to be, and they would never be what they could have been.

It leaves an aching hollowness inside of her, one she knows will never go away completely.

Taking a deep breath, she tries to gather enough strength to keep going. She thinks about Ruby and Lena, and tells herself over and over again that she’s not alone. There are people who love her and depend on her, people who she loves and depends on. It’s enough, it’s ok. She can do this.

 

 

After starting her car with still slightly trembling hands, she finds herself driving to Lena’s house. The urge to talk to her friend and get some comfort is enough to overpower her usual reluctance to ask for help.

When she opens the door, Lena looks surprised at first, but then her expression shifts to a concerned frown. Sam knows she must look the worse for wear after her panic attack, mascara smudged from tears, eyes red, face pale. She still feels shaky too.

For as long as Sam has known her, Lena has never been the overly touchy-feely type, but Kara seems to have rub off on her or maybe Sam just looks so pitiful, either way Lena suddenly hugs her tight.

Overcoming her initial shock, Sam relaxes into her friend’s embrace and lets the warmth seep into her weary bones.

They just stand there in Lena’s doorway for quite some time, until Sam sniffles back some fresh tears which causes Lena to lean back and cup Sam’s face with both hands.

“What happened?”

The question was to be expected, but Sam still isn’t prepared for it. Her thoughts and words are a jumbled mess, and it takes her several seconds to answer.

“A-Alex.”

What she hasn’t expected is Lena’s knowing look, the CEO doesn’t seem surprised at all.

“Ok, first come on in, and then tell me everything.” Lena says while gently tugging her inside the house towards the living room.

They sit down on the big couch, facing each other, both having one leg bend and up on the couch, their knees almost touching.

Before she begins, Sam looks around a little warily, asking “Where is Kara?”

She might be ready to talk with Lena about her relationship - former relationship, she corrects herself - with Alex, but she doesn’t want Alex’s sister to listen in, Kryptonian hearing and all.

“She’s at Alex’s place. They needed some sister time.”

“Oh. Ok.” Sam looks down, fiddling with a loose thread at the seam of her pant leg, when Lena lays her hand on hers, stilling her movements.

“Hey, it’s just me. I’m your friend. You can tell me whatever you feel comfortable sharing.”

Their eyes meet and Sam can see the honesty and genuine concern shining in Lena’s eyes, so she takes a deep breath and for the first time ever, she tells somebody about her somewhat secret and rather short relationship with Alex.

Lena just listens and when Sam comes to the Reign part of her story, she squeezes her hand tighter, the comforting gesture enough for Sam to keep going.

She talks about the months of estrangement that came after Reign, how she barely spoke to Alex. Thinking back, she acknowledges – more to herself than to Lena - that she is mostly at fault here, because she avoided the other woman. She never really tried to talk to her, too afraid of rejection.

Sam ends her narrative with the events of the last 24 hours, barely managing to hold back the tears when she reiterates Alex’s apology and comes to her own conclusion.

“So, she basically said that it was just a drunken mistake. I think it’s clear that she doesn’t want to be with me.”

There’s silence at first, and Sam can practically see the wheels turning in Lena’s mind. Finally her friend begins to speak.

“I don’t know, Sam. Just because she apologized for her behavior last night, doesn’t mean she could not still have feelings for you. Why are you so adamant in thinking she doesn’t want to be with you?”

“Come on, you know why!”

Lena’s confused expression makes her almost angry.

“Because of Reign! Everything she did to Alex, to Kara, to all of you, how can she look at me and not be reminded of that?”

“Sam…,” Lena sighs. “You’re not Reign, you didn’t do anything wrong, and Alex knows that. But I’m afraid you don’t.”

“No, I do.” Sam quickly defends herself, though it feels like Lena has hit the proverbial nail on the head. “I mean rationally, I do know that I’m not to blame for Reign’s actions. That doesn’t keep me from mulling over about what I could have done to stop her again and again. And it doesn’t keep me from feeling guilty about what she did, what she used my body for, especially when I see you or Kara or Alex. I still have nightmares every night, nightmares in which I am the monster. And every time I’m around you guys, I can hardly comprehend how you don’t still see the monster in me.”

Her voice wobbles at the end, her eyes well up with tears. Before the first one falls, she’s wrapped up in Lena’s tight embrace once more.

“You’re not a monster.” Lena says with the kind of conviction that leaves no room for arguing. She loosens the embrace and leans back to look Sam in the eyes. “You have been the victim of a monster, but you were stronger. You survived. There’s no shame or guilt in that. You’re the most extraordinary woman I know, and I feel honored to be your friend.”

Reveling in the tender touch when Lena brushes the tears away from her cheeks, Sam looks at her amazedly. Lena doesn’t let her guard down often, only around friends and loved-ones, Sam knows that.

That is why Lena’s open display of emotions makes her believe every single word. The doubts will come back later, but for now Sam truly feels like she deserves to be loved even after everything, that she’s not the monster of her story.

“I love you, Sam, and I’m always here for you.”

“I love you too.” She answers through a watery smile.

Now it’s Lena who has tears in her eyes and a tender smile on her lips, and Sam feels privileged to be one of the very few that Lena allows to see her so vulnerable.

 

 

Later at home she’s glad to have Ruby there to keep her occupied. They cook dinner together as Sam has made a habit of teaching her daughter – and more often than not herself too - a variety of dishes.  They usually have fun with adding their own little note to the recipe.

While preparing the meal, they also chat about their days, but Sam is quieter this time, and she knows Ruby notices that something is off. Her daughter gives her these concerned looks sometimes, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead Ruby makes up for Sam’s silence by talking about anything and everything, and Sam is very grateful for that.

 

 

 

Next day is Sunday and the weather is nice, so Brian takes Sam and Ruby out to the waterfront amusement park. It’s the perfect idea for a family trip, and although Sam still feels like there’s an aching hole in her chest where her heart should be, she agrees to it.

She doesn’t regret it at first, how could she when she sees the pure joy in her daughter’s eyes. Buzzing with excitement Ruby more jumps than walks from one ride to the other, dragging the two adults with her. To his credit Brain does a good job at keeping up with the lively teenager, laughing along with her.

They are having a good time, and after the adrenaline rush of the third ride, the free fall tower, Sam feels a little bit lighter, almost happy.

At the face painting booth she lets Ruby paint on her face.

“Don’t look before I finish, mom! It’s a surprise!”

When she does get to take a look in the mirror later, a full on smile spreads on her face for the first time today at seeing the glittery rainbow on her cheek.

“Thanks, Rubes. I love it.”

She pulls her daughter into a hug and kisses her on the temple.

“Now it’s your turn. What do you want?”

“A squid! With lots of tentacles all over my face!”

Laughing, Sam answers, “ok, let’s see what I can do.”

 

Another two hours of artistic endeavors, throwing games and rollercoaster rides later, they decide to take a break and get some ice cream. Each of them an ice cream cone in their hand they take a walk along the pier, just enjoying the sweet treat and letting the sun shine on their faces.

At the end of the pier, Sam leans forward against the handrail and takes in the beautiful sight of the ocean waves rolling into the bay. Her ice cream finished, she closes her eyes and lets the sound of the waves calm the storm in her mind and soul.

Suddenly she feels strong arms embracing her from behind, Brian’s chest against her back, his head next to hers. He sighs contently, and she really tries to relax into his embrace. She just can’t.

With her eyes still closed, her mind flashes back to her first date with Alex.

_Until then they had spent most of their time together in Alex’s apartment, but the other woman had insisted on taking her out for a date. So, on a Saturday night when Ruby stayed with Lena, they had dinner at a lovely, little Italian restaurant located in National City’s waterfront district. Despite the fact that they had had sex numerous times before that evening, Alex seemed to be quite nervous about the date which Sam found endearing. She went out of her way to be the perfect gentlewoman, bringing flowers when she picked Sam up, holding the car door open as well as the door to the restaurant, paying for dinner. Alex made sure that Sam felt comfortable and cared for the whole evening. Sam couldn’t remember any time somebody had made her feel so special before and she relished it._

_After dinner they went for a walk along the waterfront. Alex’s hand in hers, their fingers intertwined, arms brushing against each other every now and then, it all felt new and exciting, but familiar at the same time. Way too soon they reached the end of the pier. Standing side by side at the railing, admiring the multitude of stars in the clear night sky, Sam listened intently while Alex told the story about how she and Kara bonded over astronomy._

_The day had been pleasantly warm, but with the late night came a chilly breeze, and Sam couldn’t suppress a shiver. She had forgotten to bring a jacket. Alex noticed of course, and before Sam could protest, Alex had shed her leather jacket and thrown it over Sam’s shoulders. Tugging at the collars, engulfed in the pleasant scent of the other woman, Sam closed her eyes briefly to take it all in. When she opened her eyes again, she was met with Alex’s warm gaze. The unmasked emotions, a mix of awe and devotion and love, almost took her breath away. Nobody had ever looked at her like that. Her own emotions threatened to overwhelm her, making her shiver again which caused Alex to ask if she was still cold. Not able to answer verbally Sam just nodded, craving the redhead’s touch. Without hesitation Alex stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Sam’s waist, bringing their bodies impossibly closer. Resting her head on Alex’s shoulder, she feels the warmth of her lover not only flowing through her body but also into her soul._

_There, in the arms of this incredible woman who despite only knowing her for a few months had already become one of the most important people in her life, Sam felt more secure, more cared for, more loved than ever before._

She is jostled out of her memories by a kiss on her cheek that is decidedly not from the woman who occupies her mind, and barely manages not to flinch at the contact. Brian must have sensed her discomfort anyway, because he takes a step back, loosening the embrace.

Instantly she feels guilty, but also somewhat relieved.

Right from the start she has known that this thing with Brian wasn’t going to last, but now the burden of how wrong it all feels has gotten too much. She has to end this and soon. Brian doesn’t deserve to be strung along. He’ll find someone who’s right for him.

And her? Well, Sam is not sure if she’ll be the right one for anybody ever again.

The only thing that she is sure of is that she loves Alex, and that won’t change any time soon, probably never.

Even though it looks like Alex doesn’t want to be with her, she can’t deny her own heart. Being with somebody else means betraying herself, and no matter what the future holds, she can’t do that to herself anymore.

The truth will set you free, they say.

She can only live in denial for so long. The past month with Brian gave her a small reprieve from her loneliness and self-hate after Reign. She needed to see herself through someone else’s eyes, someone who would see her as the woman she was before Reign.

But the truth is she isn’t that woman anymore. Somehow she has to find and accept her new self – with or without Alex. Most certainly not with Brian.

 

The drive home is quiet. Ruby is almost falling asleep in the backseat, exhausted after the exciting day. The mood between Sam and Brian has shifted ever since Sam’s daydreaming at the pier. Sam’s retreat from their relationship is sitting between them like a physical entity.

When they arrive at the Arias’ house and Sam gives Ruby the keys, asking her to go ahead, Brian tenses up in his seat.

The two of them sit in silence for a moment after Ruby slams the car door close.

Taking a deep breath, Sam is about to say the words that she has practiced in her mind on the way home, but Brian beats her to it.

“It’s okay, Sam. I know what you want to say.”

“I’m so sorry, Brian, but I can’t...”

“I know.”

He sounds defeated, like he has already given up. He seems to know there’s nothing to fight for anymore, it’s already done, the decision made, and Sam appreciates that.

She also gives him high credit for mustering a smile, albeit sad, and telling her, “I’ve had a great time with you. I’m going to miss you.”

If she was in his shoes, she doesn’t know if she would be so benevolent, taking their break up with stride. Probably not, but then they’ve only been together for a month.

“Thanks, I enjoyed being with you too. It’s just I…”

She doesn’t really know how to explain, so she just sighs, unbuckles her seatbelt and opens the passenger’s side door.

Before she can get out, Brian speaks again.

“You should let people in. You deserve to be loved, Sam.”

She stops in her movements, feeling a lump forming in her throat and tears springing in her eyes.

“You too.” She croaks out, before she exits the car, leaving Brian and their relationship behind.

 

 

 

The week flies by, and Sam buries her feelings under a pile of work. Unfortunately Friday and with it her weekly appointment at the DEO comes too soon. She has no choice though, she signed an agreement to attend as part of the probation period after Reign.

So as every Friday for the last seven months she leaves work at 8.30 am and drives halfway through the city to the DEO. She’s always nervous about these post-Reign checkups and assessments, but today she also dreads to see Alex there. Since the visit to her office almost a week ago, she hasn’t seen or talked to the agent.

On her way in she doesn’t encounter the redhead though, much to her relief. There’s also no sign of her when she leaves the med bay an hour and half later.

It took longer than usual, because instead of being short-spoken and closed off, she actually talked with the psychiatrist about her problems, her guilt, her panic attacks. She wasn’t ready to talk about Alex though, but one step at a time, right?

From the end of the hallway, Winn greets her enthusiastically, so she walks over to him, giving her friend a hug. While he babbles about his newest invention, Sam looks around the command center, searching for a special someone. The initial relief is soon replaced with concern when she doesn’t find her. _Is Alex out on a mission, putting herself in danger to protect others like the stubborn, selfless idiot she is?_

“Hey Winn, is Alex not here today?” She interrupts his technical explanations, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

“Uhm, no, she… She called in sick today.” Winn somewhat reluctantly admits.

Her concern increases tenfold. It’s so unusual for Alex to call in sick.

“What happened? Is she okay?”

“Yeah, of course she is. She got into a fight last night, took a hit, so she’s probably just getting some rest.”

There’s something he isn’t telling her, and it does nothing to soothe her worry.

After saying goodbye to Winn, she quickly leaves the DEO. The urge to make sure that Alex is okay overpowers everything else. She feels like she can’t breathe properly until she sees her with her own eyes, alive and well.

 

So despite everything that happened between them, despite her broken heart, Sam drives to Alex’s apartment complex, hurries up the stairs – because she’s too impatient to wait for the elevator – and soon enough stands in front of Alex’s door. Slightly out of breath ( _fucking stairs, she has to work out again more_ ), she knocks several times in quick succession, before she realizes she has to give the other woman time to actually answer the door.

When it opens, she comes face to face with a disheveled looking Alex, eyes wide with surprise.

“Sam?”

“Hi.”

She realizes that she hasn’t thought of how to explain her sudden visit, but sure enough Alex wants to know.

“What are you doing here? Has something happened with Ruby?”

“What? No.” Seeing the genuine worry on the agent’s face, she decides to just go with the truth. “I heard you got injured. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh. I’m fine, really. Just some bruises.”

While Alex looks down to the floor, seemingly embarrassed, Sam takes her in from head to toe, trying to asses her injuries. A black eye, swollen nose bridge that’s maybe broken, but other than that Alex seems fine.

It’s such a relief to find the woman she loves in one piece, that she isn’t aware of the silence that has fallen between them. At least not until Alex shuffles her feet awkwardly and then looks up at her with an expression Sam isn’t able to read.

“Ok, then, I guess, I just go…” Sam interrupts the uncomfortable moment, hesitating before she admits, “I’m really glad that you’re okay.”

She turns to leave, but Alex’s hand on her arm stops her.  

“Sam, wait!”

She looks at Alex questioningly.

“Why do you care?” Alex asks.

“What?”

“About me? I thought you hated me.”

“Why would I hate you?” Sam asks confused. _What the hell is Alex talking about? Doesn’t she know how she feels about her? Oh._

She still can’t fathom why Alex thinks she hates her, but she knows she can’t let that stand.

“I don’t hate you! I could never hate you! I care about you so much. But - but I thought you hated me.” Sam ruefully admits.

“What are you talking about? I…”

“Hey Alex, do you have a spare toothbrush somewhere?” A female voice shouts from inside the apartment.

Her stomach drops and she feels sick all of a sudden. _Alex is not alone. Alex is with somebody else. Somebody who stayed the night._

“Oh. You have company. I - I should go…”

She needs to get out of here, so she practically runs away, before Alex can say another word. She sprints down the stairs.

 

When she exits the building the tears on her cheeks are mixed with heavy raindrops, but she doesn’t care, she just wants to go home.

Before she can reach her car that is parked at the side of the street though, she hears Alex’s voice, shouting her name through the rain.

_How has she caught up with her so fast? She didn’t hear Alex coming after her on the stairs. Maybe the elevator would have been a better choice after all. Fucking stairs._

She briefly contemplates just ignoring Alex and getting in the car, but the decision is made for her when the redhead gently puts her hand on her arm, coaxing her to turn around and face her.

“Hey, what’s going on? Why did you just run away?” Alex asks, confusion and concern coloring her expression.

“I didn’t want to disturb your time with your new girlfriend.” It sounds more like an accusation than Sam intended it to. She knows she has no claim on Alex. It hurts nonetheless.

“My new… what? No, that’s just Lucy, she’s a colleague, a friend. She’s back in town and didn’t want to go to her hotel last night after we went out. Wait, are you jealous?”

Sam huffs. “No?”

Alex arches an eyebrow, and Sam can see that she doesn’t believe her at all.

“Ok, ok, yes, I am jealous! Are you satisfied now?”

Alex looks at her, taken aback. Then she tilts her head, squinting away the raindrops from her eyelashes.

“There’s no reason to be jealous and besides you have no right to be. You are the one with a boyfriend!” She shouts the last part over the downpour of the rain.

“Not anymore.” Sam answers quietly. She isn’t sure Alex has heard her through the loud noise of the falling rain.

“What do you mean?”

It seems like the world is going to drown with how heavy the rain has become. Apart from them, nobody else is outside anymore, not that Sam notices. She only has eyes for the woman in front of her.

 “I broke up with him, 5 days ago.” She raises her voice now too. Even though Alex is only a few feet away from her, she doesn’t want to risk any more misunderstandings between them.

“Why?”

“Because he wasn’t you.” She takes a step forward, closing the distance between them.

“Sam, what are you saying?” Alex looks at her cautiously, hopefully. She’s so close, Sam can see the flecks of gold in her brown eyes.

“I’m saying that I’m in love with you.”

“But - but you have avoided me for months!” Alex shouts again, taking a step back.

“I thought you’d hated me!” Sam shouts back, panic rising.

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because of all the horrible things Reign did, to you, to Kara…”

She’s crying again, maybe she hasn’t stopped since leaving Alex’s apartment. It’s hard to tell as everything is drenched by the rain.

“That wasn’t your fault.”  

“You all keep saying that, but I still feel guilty.” Sam confesses. “And besides, I thought seeing me would only remind you of her.”

That earns her a bewildered look from Alex, like the thought hasn’t even occurred to her. And in this moment Sam realizes that her biggest fear has been ungrounded all along. It makes her want to laugh and cry all at the same time. Her emotions a tangled mess, she doesn’t even know what she’s feeling anymore.

Alex’s expression turns soft as she steps closer to Sam again.

“I… Sam, that’s not true. When I look at you, I just see the woman I love.”

Overwhelmed by her feelings, Sam closes the distance between them once and for all, crashing her lips into Alex’s in a bruising kiss. It’s wet and hungry and desperate, and Sam can’t get enough.

Unfortunately with the rain tripping down their faces, making it hard to breathe through the nose, they all too soon have to stop and gasp for air.

Panting heavily, Sam just takes a moment to admire the view. Lips kiss swollen, clothes soaking wet and clinging to her lean but muscular body, dripping, messy strands of hair in her face, Alex looks like a gay wet dream, and Sam feels something primal stir in her lower abdomen.

She wants to take Alex here and now, decency be damned. Her car is right behind her, it’ll do.

But before she can put her lust-fueled plan into action, Alex grabs her hand and drags her back into the building.

 

The door to Alex’s apartment thankfully still stands open, so that they can enter without having to fiddle with a key, and Sam finds herself being pushed against it right after the door is closed behind them.

Nothing is going to stop them now.

Sam makes short work of pulling Alex’s shirt over her head before she captures her lips again. Deepening the kiss, she lets her hands wander over the agent’s twitching, well defined stomach muscles down to the waistband of her jeans.

Her arousal skyrocketing, she feels Alex’s moan vibrating in her mouth. She barely manages to open the fly button on the redhead’s jeans, her hands trembling, her mind drowned in desire.

“That’s totally hot. Go get ‘em, tiger.”

It takes an embarrassingly long moment for Sam to register that the voice belongs to another human being, and is neither her inner monologue nor Alex spurring her on.

Alex is the first to break the kiss, she leaves her hands on Sam’s body though, one hand having found its way under her shirt and bra, cupping her breast.

When Alex looks around, Sam also gets a good look at the unwelcomed intruder.

It’s Alex’s friend, Lucy, leaning over the back of the couch, a bowl of cereals in one hand and a spoon in the other, munching away.

“Lucy? What are you doing?” Alex whines in frustration, and Sam shares her pain.

“Eating breakfast and enjoying the show.” The other woman answers cheekily, not at all bothered by the intimate situation she so rudely disturbed.

Alex groans, leaning her head on Sam’s shoulder, presumably in an attempt to calm down and not kick this Lucy woman out or throw her into the sun.

The mood is ruined, and with a sigh of regret, she feels Alex’s hands slipping out from under her shirt. Sam leans her head back against the door, taking a few deep breathes, trying her best to quell her lust.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed to join in if you want. I’m really good at eating out.”

Sam can’t help but giggle at the audacity of the tiny, admittedly beautiful woman.

“See Danvers, your girl is open to it. Just say the word!”

“Go away!” Alex shouts exasperatedly.

 

 

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially I planned to end this chapter when Sam left Alex's apartment thinking she had a new gf, but then I didn't want to leave you all hanging like that, because I honestly don't know when I will finish the last chapter. I hope I'll be able to write it and post it until the end of July, no promises though. - Edit (7/30): more like the middle of August, sorry (!).
> 
> Your comments and kudos are highly appreciated!


	5. You say you want me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this comes later than planned, and I'm deeply sorry for that. 
> 
> I'm not sure if anybody still reads this fic or if people are still interested in AgentReign in general, but I love them and I think the show missed out on the opportunity for a wonderful love story when they let Sam/Odette go by the end of the season.
> 
> I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait. I changed the number of total chapters from 5 to 6, because initially this chapter was a longer one, starting with Alex's POV and then changing to Sam's POV.  
> But then I decided to follow the structure of this fic and do their perspectives in two seperate chapters again.

 

Instead of Lucy, it was Sam who had to leave though. She had an important meeting in the afternoon, so she went back to work. Alex offered her dry clothes, but Sam declined, saying she always kept a second set of business clothing in her office.

They agreed to meet again in the evening in Alex’s apartment, the place where everything started all these months ago. In hindsight Alex thinks it is only fitting that they would also have the most important conversation, the one that would make or break their relationship, there.

Lucy left at noon, after giving Alex a little pep talk, well not exactly little, more like exuberant, cause Lucy Lane doesn’t do anything half way. Words like destiny and soulmates might have been dropped.

It didn’t do much to soothe her nerves, but Alex was grateful for her friend's support anyway.

In a haze of nervous energy she spends the whole afternoon cleaning her apartment and getting ready. Of course keeping herself busy is mostly - (her apartment could actually use some cleaning) - an attempt to get the overwhelming mess of thoughts and feelings under control that haunts her since the unexpected confession this morning.

_Sam is in love with her! In love. With her._

It’s almost all she can think about and at the same time she can’t really grasp how this is even real.

Unfortunately their little shouting in the rain left Alex with more questions than answers. _Are they going to be back together_ being the most prominent one. She hopes to get all the answers tonight and barely manages to quell the fear of not getting the answers she wants to hear.

After contemplating for over half an hour if it’s too presumptuous to expect sex tonight, she finally decides to shave her legs anyway. She just likes to be prepared, ok? It doesn’t mean she gets her hopes up.

After getting dressed in tight-fitting jeans and a flannel shirt, left unbuttoned, with a tank top underneath - because she wants to keep it casual, but also to look her best gay self -, she starts preparing dinner.

She knows her cooking skills are not the best, and chances are high that she’ll screw it up in her distressed state, but she decides to do it anyway. Ordering in seems too lazy and impersonal, Sam deserves better than that. She’s worth the effort of a home cooked meal.

Alex’s dinner of choice is tagliatelle with a fancy tomato sauce that Sam has taught her how to make. She is confident that her cooking skills will be enough to cook noodles and mix fresh tomatoes with onions, herbs and a little bit of cream.

Kara helped her out and went shopping earlier, so now she has all the ingredients she needs. After almost chopping off her thumb instead of the tomato, she regrets not taking her sister’s offer to also help with preparing the meal. At the time though she couldn’t handle Kara’s joy and excitement over the news of her having dinner with Sam, so she sent her sister away.

 

 

Thankfully the rest of the cooking goes smoothly, and Alex has just filled the self-made sauce into a serving bowl when there’s a knock on her door.

Her pulse spikes, and she trips over thin air in her hurry to get to the door. She barely avoids falling down, so gripping the door handle she takes a few breathes to calm herself down, before opening the door.

Relief floods her system when she sees Sam standing there. In that moment she realizes for the first time how much she has been afraid of Sam not showing up at all.

But Sam is here, and she looks more beautiful than Alex remembers (which to be honest happens every time Alex sees her, she thinks it’s because her memories can never come close to the real deal). Sam is wearing an elegant cashmere pullover, the fabric looking so soft, Alex can barely hold herself back from reaching out to touch it, and a pair of form fitting jeans. Her silk like hair falls in loose curls over her shoulders, her make-up is light and subtle, and her timid smile makes Alex’s heart pick up speed again.

Their greeting is a little bit awkward, because how do you hug the woman you haven’t really talked to for over seven months, but also confessed your undying love to just this morning? Alex goes for short but intense, and relishes in the tingling warmth that surges through her body with the contact.

After breaking apart, she accepts the bottle of wine Sam has brought with a polite thank you and invites her guest inside.

“You cooked?” It sounds surprised, and Alex can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, I tried my best. I hope you’ll like it.”

Smiling brightly Sam answers, “I’m sure I will. It smells amazing. Thank you, Alex.”

“Only the best for you.”

For a moment they just stand there in the kitchen, getting lost in each others’ eyes, before Alex breaks the silence.

“Please, take a seat, everything is ready. I’m just gonna bring the sauce over.”

“Ok, I’m going to open this bottle of wine real quick, if you don’t mind. I think it goes well with your pasta.”

The familiarity and easiness in which Sam moves around in her kitchen causes Alex to stare at her in amazement and a strange sense of nostalgia. Even if it’s been months, the other woman has been here often enough to know exactly where Alex keeps her cork-screw and her wine glasses.

She snaps out of it when the clear red liquid fills the first glass, and feels panic rising when Sam moves the bottle to the second.

No alcohol for her, especially not tonight. She wants to keep a clear head for all that’s going to happen tonight, as far as that is even possible seeing how much she is already affected by the intoxicating woman. Most importantly though she knows she can’t fall back into old habits, not when it’s been so hard to break them.

She is not ready yet to tell Sam about it, so instead she grabs the serving bowl and makes her way to the dining room table.

A few steps behind her Sam follows with the wine glasses.

In an attempt to start a light conversation, Alex asks, “So, where is Ruby tonight?”

“Kara and Lena volunteered to babysit. They even said, she can stay with them the whole weekend, if I want - if we…” Sam just lets the sentence just trail off.

The obvious implication leaves Alex reeling, and instead of putting it down carefully, she almost drops the bowl on the table, the sauce splashing precariously close to the edge.

Thankfully Sam doesn’t seem to notice or at least doesn’t comment on it.

“Oh, ahem,” Alex clears her suddenly very dry throat, “that’s nice of them.”

“Yes, they said we should take the time to sort everything out between us, and frankly I agree.” Sam sits down on the chair opposite Alex’s, and Alex takes a seat as well.

“So, let’s just be honest tonight, ok? There have been enough misunderstandings between us. Don’t you think?” Sam takes Alex’s hand and squeezes it lightly, and it gives Alex all the encouragement she needs.

“Yes, absolutely.” Alex nods in agreement, but then smiles mischievously, “Maybe try the pasta first, in the end you might find my cooking skills are not worth staying around.”

It gets her the intended laugh from Sam, before the brunette looks at her with a more serious expression. “Nothing will keep me away from you anymore – not even bad pasta.”

Sam’s playful tone can’t hide the seriousness of her words, and Alex feels like her heart is growing ten sizes, like she can barely hold in all the hope and happiness that fills her soul. Trying to hide the fact that Sam rendered her speechless, she digs into her food, shoveling her mouth full with pasta and tomato sauce.

As Sam does the same, only a lot more graceful, a mumbled sound of approval fills the air, and after swallowing it’s followed by a more verbal compliment.

“That is delicious, Alex.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

They eat in silence for a little while, just enjoying the food and the company.

When Sam empties her glass of wine and moves to get a refill, she looks at Alex’s glass which is still completely full. Furrowing her brow, she asks,

“Do you not like the wine? You haven’t touched yours. I can get you a beer from the fridge, if you prefer that?”

Alex hates the surge of embarrassment that runs through her and causes her to blush. She knew that topic would come up, that they had to talk about it. Still, she isn’t prepared for it, so she stumbles over her words.

“No, thanks, but... It’s just… I don’t drink anymore. Alcohol, I mean, I don’t – can’t drink alcohol anymore. I stopped drinking.” She utters the last three words in a huff, frustrated about her momentary inability to form a coherent sentence.  

Sam looks at her in confusion, so Alex takes a deep breath, trying to set her discomfort aside, before she elaborates.

“As you have probably noticed, I used to drink a lot. Especially after Maggie…” She hesitates, her first love’s name lying heavily on her tongue, leaving a bittersweet taste. Sam’s soft gaze encourages her to continue.

“But it actually started long before. In college I had a hard time figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I couldn’t deal with the pressure sometimes, so I went out to clubs and got wasted. I got a handle on it when J’onn recruited me to join the DEO, but the urge to drink my feelings away when things got rough never went away completely. So while I’ve often used alcohol as a way to escape my feelings, this admittedly unhealthy coping mechanism kind of escalated in the past few months, and lately I practically drowned my feelings in alcohol.”

"Alex, I'm so sorry..."

"No, it wasn't your fault. I mean I missed you like crazy and thought I had lost you... But I was stupid for just assuming... I should have talked to you instead of..."

She looks down at her almost empty plate, not able to look at Sam when she says the next words.  

“It felt like I had hit rock bottom when I forced myself on you in that bathroom. I'm terribly sorry for acting out like that. So, afterwards I realized I couldn't go on like that. I decided to make some changes. The first has been to stop drinking altogether. I also got professional help. I know that I have a long way to go, but it’s a start and…”

“Hey, Alex, look at me.” Sam takes her hand and the gentle touch has Alex almost crying in relief that Sam doesn't just run away from her.

She dares to look up and when their eyes meet, Alex sees no disappointment or pity or disgust in Sam’s eyes, just kindness and love. _How does she even deserve a woman like Sam?_

“Alex, there’s no need to be embarrassed. I think it’s great that you took that step. It’s really brave and takes a lot of strength. I’m proud of you.” She smiles at her warmly, rubbing her thumb soothingly over Alex’s knuckles. 

“And please, don’t feel guilty for what happened in the bathroom. You might have come on a little bit too strong, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. I had told you if I wouldn’t have liked it, and I’m sure you would have stopped then. Honestly, it’s been sort of a wake-up call for me too.”

“Really? How?”

“It made me realize that as much as I tried, I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you any longer. And it gave me hope that you wanted me too, that you had feelings for me too." Sam smiles softly, but then her expression becomes pained when she proceeds, "But then you came to my office the next day, and made it sound like a drunken mistake and I was devastated, because I thought you didn’t want me.”

“What? No! Sam, I came to apologize for my bad behavior, for touching and kissing you without your consent. I would never have done this if I had been sober and I’m still sorry for that." Alex quickly tries to explain, and then adds,

"That hasn’t been the only reason why I came to your office though. That day I actually wanted to tell you that I had feelings for you, but you dismissed me so quickly, I never got a chance. I thought you wanted me out of your life. I was devastated too afterwards, I've never felt worse in my life."

Unexpectedly Sam laughs at that. “I guess we are both idiots then.”

Alex can't help but join in on the laughter, and they both chuckle on the absurdity of it all. 

 

When their laughter dies down, Sam stands up abruptly. She takes Alex’s wine glass and the bottle of wine, goes to the kitchen and empties both into the kitchen sink.

After her surprise at Sam's action wears off, Alex follows her quickly into the kitchen.

“You don’t have to do that. Just because I can’t drink anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the wine.”

“Wine or any alcohol for that matter isn’t important to me, but you are. So, please, let me support you with this.” Sam insists while finishing her task with a confident smile, before she sets down the now empty items.

Alex barely holds back the tears from how grateful she is and how lucky she feels to have Sam in her life again.

There’s not much space in Alex’s kitchen, and when Sam cups her face with one hand, brushing a wayward tear from her cheek with her thumb, and looks her firmly in the eyes, Alex becomes acutely aware of how close they are.

“I want you in my life, Alex. And I’ll gladly relinquish all alcohol if it means I can have you.” Sam says softly.

Alex doesn’t know who took a step forward, but now they are so close that she can feel Sam's warmth and can smell the subtle vanilla note of Sam’s shampoo mixed with the brunette’s own unique scent. It's intoxicating and she can't get enough.

“God, Sam, I want you so much.”

“Then take me.”

It's like a dam has been broken, and all their pent up desire for one another is finally free. 

Alex surges forward till there's no space between them anymore, and captures Sam's lips with her own. It's heaven, it's home, it's everything she ever wanted.

Sam reciprocates the kiss feverishly, grabbing the collar of Alex’s shirt, holding her in place like she doesn't want the kiss to end. And Alex feels the same way.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, they are both on the same page again, and that thought fuels the fire of passion in Alex even more.

She never thought she would have that again, would be able to be so close to Sam again. So, on one hand she wants to savor this, to take her time, to worship every part of Sam the way she deserves. On the other hand, she is not able to hold herself back, too afraid that if she stops, Sam will slip away from her again, that it all was just a dream.

Their kiss is deepened fast, the first touch of their tongues has them both moaning loudly. 

Alex’s breath is already coming in short, staccato-like pants, but when Sam moves her free hand – the one that’s not still clutching Alex’s collar – between their bodies, tugs her tank top out of her jeans and touches Alex’s bare skin, she gasps desperately against Sam’s lips.

She breaks their kiss and takes a moment to catch her breath, while marveling at the beautiful sight in front of her. Sam's lips are kiss-swollen, her pupils blown and her hair is slightly disheveled from Alex’s wandering hands which are now resting on either side of her jaw.

“Sam, are you sure?” She puffs out, asking for the other woman’s consent. She won’t make the same mistake again.

In lieu of an answer Sam tugs her forward by the hem of her jeans, effectively slotting their hips together, while capturing her lips again.

All of Alex’s doubts melt away, making room for one single purpose. She wants to make Sam feel good over and over again.

There’s too much clothes though, keeping her from her price, so she breaks the kiss again, before pulling Sam’s pullover over her head and throwing it somewhere behind them. Her flannel shirt goes too, it’s already unbuttoned, so she just shucks it over her shoulders and lets it fall to the floor.

At the sight of Sam’s bra covered chest, she loses her patience and before she gets rid of her tank top, she leans in again and captures a taunting nipple with her mouth through the lacy fabric. Sam’s deep moan goes right through to her core, spurring her on.

Alex’s hands find the clasp of Sam’s bra and open it, finally revealing Sam's magnificent breasts. Her mouth on one of them, her hand on the other, she gives them the intention they deserve.

Sam's whimpers and moans are music in her ears, and she feels the heat in her lower abdomen rising. 

Sam gasps when Alex gently bites down on her nipple.

"Alex, please..."

She knows what Sam wants, because she wants it too, her whole being is vibrating with want.

She leaves hot, wet kisses on Sam's skin, making her way up to her collarbone, then to her neck with her mouth, while her hands continue to caress her breasts.

She presses down hard on her lover's pulse point, before sucking the soft skin into her mouth, even using her teeth, knowing it'll leave a mark. She can't help it, something deep inside of her preens at the thought of leaving her mark on Sam's body for all to see. 

Sam shivers and writhes against her body.

"Mmm, I need you to fuck me already, baby." Sam moans, before she tugs on Alex's hair, pulling her head back from her neck and crashing their mouths together in a passionate kiss again.

Alex doesn't need to be told twice. After a short struggle with the jeans' button and zipper, she pushes the brunette's pants and underwear down to her knees.

While her tongue enters Sam's mouth, her fingers slide between Sam's wet folds, and she feels the other woman's deep moan reverberating against her lips. 

She licks the roof of Sam's mouth with the same tenderness that her fingers stroke along her lover's slit. Sam is already dripping wet, and when she buckles her hips forward, Alex's finger dips into her easily.

"More..." Sam whimpers in between kisses. And Alex gladly obliges. 

She pushes her index finger into Sam's channel, reveling in the feeling of Sam's warm, velvety walls engulfing her digit.

They both stand still for a second, panting into each others' mouth, savoring the moment of finally being connected again, with their bodies and souls. 

But then Sam seems to get impatient, Alex can feel her hips moving subtly, and so she jolts back into action. She pulls out, then pushes her finger in again, caressing Sam's walls. In and out, her movements are teasingly slow at first, but get faster when she feels Sam trembling every time she brushes over a certain spot.

Kissing Sam's jaw and neck, she hears Sam's whimpers and gasps directly beside her ear, and she feels herself getting closer and closer to her own orgasm without even being touched down there.

Alex adds a second finger and she can already feel Sam's walls fluttering around her digits. She knows she's close too, and as much she wants to drag this out, she also wants them both to come so badly.

So she pushes her own hips against her hand and Sam's body which is now firmly pressed against the kitchen counter, and uses the momentum to deepen the thrusts of her fingers. 

"Fuck, Alex..." 

She kisses Sam's moan from her lips again, while thrusting faster and harder.

The tension in her belly snaps at the same moment she pushes in deep, her thumb pressing against Sam's clit.

With a guttural moan they both come in unison, Sam's walls clench around her fingers, while Alex's own orgasm washes over her body. 

Catching her breath, Alex starts moving her fingers again, gently bringing Sam down. 

Their lips meet again, brushing against each other softly, languidly, and Alex thinks she has never felt closer to anybody than in this moment.

When their aftershocks subside and Alex removes her hand from between Sam's legs, they continue kissing and holding each other. It's like they can't stop touching each other, and soon Alex feels her arousal rise again.

She knows she can never get enough of Sam.

Thankfully nothing's stopping them. They have the whole night, hopefully even their whole lives.

 

They make it to the bedroom for the second round, and the third.

And finally they fall asleep together in Alex's bed, exhausted and sated, and Alex has never been more content in her life.

 

 

Alex wakes up first the next morning, Sam's body close and warm beside her.

She turns on her side and - even though it might be a little creepy - she can't help but watch Sam sleep, admiring the beauty of the woman she loves.

She wants to trace every part of Sam's beautiful face, so she lets her fingertip wander softly from Sam’s forehead down the bridge of her nose, then brushes her thumb along her cheekbone and back to her ear, then down to her jaw, along her jaw line to her chin. At last she touches her mouth tentatively, circles her soft lips.

It'll probably wake Sam up, but the urge to kiss her is too strong, so she leans down and kisses her gently and delicately, committing it to memory, so that she has something to hold on when times are dark, when she struggles again with her own demons. 

She knows she has a long way to go, but she knows that whatever life throws at her, she'll make it through.

 

Her thoughts are interrupted when Sam stirs awake, smiling into their kiss.

 

 

 

 ---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the final chapter (this time for real) is going to be up within the week, next weekend at the latest.  
> It starts exactly where this one ends and is from Sam's POV again as I mentioned above.
> 
> To all my wonderful readers, thank you for your patience and continued support!


	6. I'm what you see when you look at the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. The last chapter of this fic, though I'd like to think Alex and Sam's journey only begins here.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around and being patient with me!  
> I promised a little bit of smut (in the tags and in the comments, I think), so I hope I delivered to your satisfaction in these last two chapters (- I tried).  
> Enjoy!

 

Waking up with Alex’s lips on her own is something Sam hasn’t even dared to dream about for the last seven months. It immediately makes her smile happily.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Alex mumbles against her lips, before kissing along her jaw line and down the column of her throat.

The soft kisses leave a tingling sensation on her skin and when Alex adds her fingertips to the mix, letting them wander along the outline of her collarbone to her sternum, Sam feels her body coming to life.

Alex presses her lips to her pulse point where she left a purple mark last night, and the little sting Sam feels there together with the pleasure of Alex's kiss has her gasping at the sensation.

She is still spent from last night, and there’s a pleasant kind of soreness between her legs, but her arousal is slowly building up again thanks to Alex’s ministrations. Not that she complains about that.

It seems like this time Alex intends to take her time. The urgency that was prominent in their love making last night is gone now. 

Tantalizingly slow Alex kisses down her body, alternating between light brushes of her lips and licking trails with her tongue, seemingly determined to map out every inch of her skin.

The care and gentleness she can feel in Alex's every touch bring tears to her eyes suddenly and a sob escapes her lips. She can't help it. She curses herself for being such an emotional wreck.

Clearly worried about her sudden outburst, Alex stops and looks up to Sam, eyes wide with concern.

“Sam? Hey, what - what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, I just…” She tries to choke down another sob.

“Come on, baby, tell me.” Alex says softly, leaning back a little bit to make eye contact with Sam.

Taking some deep breaths, she tries to calm herself down enough to be able to give the other woman an explanation. 

“I just can’t believe that this is really happening. I mean this, being here with you, the way you make me feel cared for and loved. It's wonderful. It's perfect. It's so perfect that it's almost unreal and that scares me. Because what if it isn't real? If it's not going to last and..." 

"Sam, this is real, ok? I love you. I've loved you when we were together seven months ago and I never stopped loving you even when we were apart." 

"I know, but... up until yesterday I had convinced myself that you would never look at me with so much love again. I thought you would only see Reign in me, be reminded of her and what she did, and resent me for it and… fuck, I’m totally screwing this up already.”

Alex looks at her in confusion for a moment until understanding dawns on her face. 

“Sam, baby, I… I told you yesterday that I never saw you as Reign and I never will. To me, you and Reign are completely different people. But I can see that this still weighs on you, so I’m gonna tell you the following every day until you truly believe me - no, for the rest of our lives if you’ll have me that long,” Alex pauses to take Sam's hands into her own.

“When I look at you, I see Samantha Arias, the most kind and genuine woman I know, and also the most brilliant and funniest and the most beautiful. Even without her mask, I never saw you when I looked at Reign. She had your face and your body, but to me she was so obviously somebody else than you, she might as well have had scales instead of skin or something.”

Sam laughs a little at that, feeling already lighter and happier than she thought possible after Reign.

Alex chuckles along with her, before she continues sincerely, “I love you so much, and I’m going to show you how much every day.”

In that moment she wonders how she could have ever doubted Alex's love for her, and she promises herself to hold on to that love whenever she feels lost and alone again.

“And I'm going to start showing you right now, if you let me.”

“Yes, I'd like that.” Sam whispers.

A happy smile on her face Alex resumes lavishing kisses on her body. She deliberately goes for the spots where she knows Sam is ticklish, and soon she's writhing and giggling and gasping for breath. All heavy thoughts are gone from her mind, washed away by the rush of endorphins.

Suddenly Alex has turned her on her back and is on top of her. She looks breathless into these beautiful eyes she loves so much, and sees love and affection reflected in them. 

Alex leans closer until their lips are almost touching. Sam can feel the warmth of her breath and then the first soft touch of Alex's lips on the edge of her mouth, a small lick on her lower lip, just a tease. It's enough to leave her trembling in anticipation. As Alex moves around her mouth, keeping the pressure on her lips light and short, Sam can't help but get impatient.

Wrapping her arms around Alex's neck, she tugs her down, so that she can kiss her with all she's got. Her mouth presses hard on Alex's, forcing it open, licking her tongue inside. They both moan at the intensity of the kiss, their body's grinding against each other.

When their lips part, Sam already feels lightheaded, but then Alex moves down in between her legs and she feels all tethers to this world come undone while Alex takes her apart with her mouth and fingers.

 

 

After coming down from her high Sam doesn't take long to recover, she's too eager to return the favor. 

With Alex on top of her, still kissing and licking her neck, Sam hooks a leg around the agent's waist, and before Alex can react, she flips them easily. 

She grins smugly at Alex's surprised expression.

"I might have picked up a thing or two from my badass government agent lover."

"Oh yeah, and who would that be?" Alex asks teasingly.

"Hmm, you might know her. Absolutely handsome, totally butch haircut," she grips Alex's strands on the top where they are longer and pulls Alex's head back, exposing her throat. 

"A chiseled jaw line, smooth neck." She nips at Alex's jaw, eliciting a moan from her lover, before she licks along the column of her throat, savoring the taste of her skin.

"Rock hard abs." Sam sits up and scrapes her blunted nails over Alex's abdominal muscles, leaving goose pumps in her wake, marveling at the sight.  

"A little bit grumpy..." She smiles mischievously, before leaning down and kissing the skin of Alex's lower belly, along the sharp v-line, leading down to her pubis.

"Hey, I'm not grum..." The protest dies on Alex's lips, converting into a gasp, as soon as Sam's mouth presses down on her mound.

She licks around Alex's clit, savoring the little moans and whimpers that leave Alex's mouth, before she trails down, spreading her open with her fingers and dips her tongue into Alex's entrance, groaning at the taste of her lover's arousal. 

Alex's high-pitched "Sam..." makes her own wetness pool between her legs.

Sam runs her tongue up and down Alex's folds, entering her shortly now and then to gather her juices, until Alex is a moaning, quivering mess.

Not wanting Alex to come yet, she stops her ministrations and, her face still slick, moves up Alex's body. Shushing Alex's protesting whine at the loss of attention to her center, she kisses her deeply, giving Alex a taste of her own arousal.

She looks firmly into Alex's eyes, wanting to see the pleasure in them, before she enters Alex with two fingers at once, earning a silent scream from her lover. Her entrance is slick enough that her fingers slide into her tight channel easily. As she starts to move slowly, Alex's hips rise to meet her hand with every thrust.

She curls her fingers inside of Alex, hitting the spot that makes her groan and tremble. Pressing her thumb on Alex's clit, she intensifies her movements, fucking her harder, faster.

Alex's fingers are digging into her back, her nails breaking the skin makes Sam groan in a mix of pain and pleasure. She feels Alex's ragged puffs of breath against the skin of her throat, her eyes clouded with lust.

Sam thinks she could come from the sensations of Alex beneath her alone, but then Alex's thigh is between her legs, giving her something solid to grind on, and she knows she won't last much longer. 

Alex clenches around her fingers while Sam presses her heated center into the hard muscle of Alex's thigh. Each roll of her hips leaves a wet trail of arousal on Alex's skin, and she feels herself getting closer and closer to the edge.

With her name on her lips she feels Alex's whole body convulse in a powerful orgasm, before she falls over the edge herself, her juices coating Alex's thigh.

They ride out the aftershocks together, holding onto each other tightly, until Sam's fingers still inside Alex and her hips stop moving.

They lay there together for a while, just breathing each other in, and Sam feels content and secure like she only ever feels in Alex's arms.

 

 

 

The rude reminder that they can't stay in their blissful love bubble forever comes about an hour later when they are in the kitchen.

Their hunger (for food) has finally chased them out of bed, so Alex is making breakfast - or at least trying to, when it happens.

It's just a minor thing, a small accident that causes the bubble to burst.

In a moment of distraction Alex burns her hand on the hot pan which she used for the pancakes. 

"Ouch, shit!"

Alex's pained voice and the smell of burned skin are enough to make Sam spiral into a panic attack.

It's sudden and unexpected. Before she knows it, the walls are closing in on her and her vision gets blurry. She feels like she can't breathe. Suddenly she sees Alex lying on the floor in her tactical gear, a foot - her foot crashing down on the agent’s torso. She hears Alex's mangled screams, smells smoke and the dust of shattered concrete in the air.

She wants to scream too, wants to beg it to stop, begs herself to stop. But she can't, she can't even get air into her lungs.

In between all of the chaos there's suddenly a hand on her arm, warm and gentle, and she tries to concentrate on the sensation.

She hears Alex's voice that's only a distant whisper at first, but then becomes louder, clearer, until she can make out the words.

"Sam, look at me. I'm here. You're safe. We are safe. Just breathe, baby."

For the first time in what felt like hours, but have probably been only a few seconds, she manages to suck in a gasp of air.

"Yeah, that's it, just take a deep breath, in and out. You're doing great, just keep breathing..."

So Sam does, she concentrates on the touch of Alex's hand and the sound of her voice and lets it guide her back to reality.

With fresh oxygen in her lungs, her head clears and the nightmarish vision fades. When the world around her comes back into view, she finds herself sitting on the kitchen floor, her back against the counter, Alex cowering in front of her. 

Her whole body is still trembling, and she can feel the tears running down her face.

Alex's kind brown eyes are looking at her with concern.

"There you are, baby." Alex smiles at her warmly.

"Alex?" Sam croaks.

"It's ok, I'm here, I won't go anywhere." Alex opens her arms invitingly, and Sam leans forward, resting her forehead on Alex's shoulder and lets herself fall into Alex's embrace.

 

 

They sit on the floor till Sam's breathing is back to normal and her tears have dried, then Alex stands up, gently pulling Sam with her and moving them to the couch.

There, Sam crawls into Alex's lap, her nose buried in Alex's neck, the other woman's strong arms around her, rubbing soothing circles on her back. 

She hates that Alex saw her that way, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. 

Sam is sure Alex will be supportive and won't judge her, that doesn’t change the fact that she's still reluctant to share her problems.

On one hand having friends who she can rely on is still a new concept for her. For a long time in her life she had to make it on her own, so she finds it hard to ask for help in general. In addition to that she feels like it's her burden to bear when it comes to this specific issue. After all Reign has caused the others enough pain, they don’t need hers on top of it.

On the other hand she knows that if she wants to have a serious relationship with Alex, she has to open up to her.

So, with a still slightly trembling voice she breaks the silence.

"I've been having these panic attacks…"

"For how long has this been going on?" Alex asks with furrowed brow.

"Since Reign."

She hears Alex suck in a breath. 

"Want to tell me more about it? I mean, only if you're ready." Alex prods her gently, trying and failing to keep the worry out of her voice.

“Hmm.”  She murmurs against the crook of Alex’s head. With a deep sigh, she sits up and gets off of Alex’s lap to sit beside her. She instantly misses the other woman’s warmth, but she needs some distance for the following conversation.

After having already talked about it with the psychiatrist the day before, Sam finds it easier now to explain what’s troubling her.

"It's... Reign's atrocities are still haunting me and... I know it wasn't me, but I got all her memories. And when I think about something she has done or when I have a nightmare, then it feels like it was me. It’s probably my sub conscience that isn’t able to differentiate between my memories and Reign’s memories or something like that. I can't help but feel the guilt, even though I know I didn't do it. And the panic attacks are apparently associated with all of that, a symptom of my inner imbalance… I don’t know.”

"That’s awful, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this, but I’m here for you from now on. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Alex takes her hand and looks at her softly. There’s no accusation in her eyes as she asks her, “Was that why you avoided me?"

"Yes, I felt like I didn't deserve your love anymore, like I didn't deserve your forgiveness. Well, that and because I thought I wouldn't get it anyway."

She’s slightly surprised about how easy it is to admit all of this to Alex, sharing her darkest thoughts, baring her soul. But with every word of their conversation it feels like the burden on her chest is lifted a little bit and it’s easier to breathe.

That is what Alex does to her. She makes her feel safe and comfortable, always has.

"Sam, I told you, there's nothing to forgive. I know that - as much as I wish I could - I can't just make you feel not guilty anymore, but I'm going to help you every step of the way. This time for real."

"What do you mean this time for real?" Sam asks confused.

Alex looks at her wide-eyed, like she has given too much away, before she averts her gaze and seems to concentrate on their entwined fingers.

"Hmm, do you remember how I told you yesterday morning when you came to my apartment that I thought you hated me?"

"Yeah, I couldn't make sense of it."

"I - I thought that it was my fault that you avoided me after Reign. I thought you resented me because I promised you to find out what's behind your blackouts and help you with it, but failed. I’ve let you down and I'm so sorry for that, Sam."

The regret and guilt in Alex’s tone makes Sam’s heart ache, so she’s quick to assuage the agent’s sorrow.

"Oh, Alex, I’ve never resented you and I would never even think of reproaching you with that. What happened wasn't your fault. Besides, after you guys found out about Reign, you and Lena and Kara did everything you could to help me. That's the reason I'm still here today.”

When Alex looks her in the eyes again, she adds,

“You know by now that I only avoided you because of my own feelings of guilt."

"Well, then we both felt unnecessarily guilty. God, what a mess." Alex sighs.

"Is that why you drank so much? Because you thought I hated you?" Sam can’t help but ask, what with the new insights about Alex’s emotional state.

"Yeah, that and because I thought I'd never have another chance to be with you." Alex admits ruefully.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, no more apologizing.” Alex states emphatically. “It was my choice to turn to alcohol instead of dealing with my problems. But I'm over that now."

"That's good. I'm glad that you took that step and got professional help." Sam assures her again.

"Hmm, yeah.” Alex pauses, seemingly contemplating her next words. “Have you talked to someone about your panic attacks and all that?" She asks carefully.

"I just started to talk about it with the DEO's psychiatrist. I think she can help me."

"Ok, good. I'm seeing her too."

"Look at us. We are both a mess." She meant it as a joke, but it comes out more serious and sadder as intended.

Alex must have picked up on her distress, because she rubs soothingly with her thumbs over Sam’s knuckles and responds with a positive tilt to her voice,

"Yeah, but we're both working on getting better. That counts for something, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does." Sam agrees, because it really does, and she’s proud of Alex and even a little bit of herself.

There’s still a thought that her reasonable, adult brain comes up with and as much as she hates it she can’t shake it off.

"We have so many issues individually, so much to deal with,” She points out. “Is it really wise to start a relationship under these circumstances? I mean we could be together just as friends for now?”

The moment she says it, she knows they could never be just friends. Alex will always be so much more to her.

As if reading her mind, Alex gently cups her face with one hand and looks her in the eyes with so much love that Sam feels it filling even the deepest depths of her soul.

“Sam, I don't know if it's a good idea, I just know we have wasted so much time already and I don't want to wait even one more day to be with you.” 

“Ok.” Sam whispers a little breathlessly.

“Ok?”

“Yeah, ok, it may not be the most reasonable decision, but I felt miserable without you-“

“- and I was miserable without you!” Alex interjects.

“- So, let's do this together.” Sam concludes, smiling at Alex’s eagerness.

“Together.”

“Under one condition though.”

“Ok, shoot.”

“We have to promise to talk openly about our problems and issues. No more misunderstandings or false assumptions.”

“Deal.” Alex smiles brightly, before she leans forward and presses a soft kiss on Sam’s lips.

Sam presses back a little harder and slips into Alex’s lap again, straddling her. Their mouths move against each other in an effortless rhythm. As their kiss deepens, Alex’s hands stroke her thighs, adding to spark that familiar, pleasant feeling in Sam’s lower abdomen.

When they take a little break to catch their breaths, Sam leans back and grins mischievously.

“You must be the square root of 2, because I feel irrational about you.”

Alex looks startled at first, before she breaks out into laughter.

“I love you. Nerd.”

“I love you too. So,” Sam bites her bottom lip playfully, “will you be my girlfriend?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Alex grins, and captures her lips in another steamy kiss.

Suddenly Alex pauses again and mumbles, her lips still on Sam’s,

“This time… can we tell Ruby and the others that we are dating?”

“Yes. No more secrets.”

 

  

 

 

 ---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always love to hear from you.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


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